Butterflies Float Above

2001-05-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

8.48pm
Top Story
I have posted at least every day, but it's not coming up. All is lost from the past two weeks. Grrrr.

Shellac - 1000 Hurts - Canaveral - Great song. Go buy the album.

Today I am going to attempt at my Top Ten Best Albums of 2000, better late than never.
Top Ten Albums of 2000
(not in any order)
1. 1000 Hurts - Shellac
2. Moon and Antartica - Modest Mouse
3. Relationship of Command - At the Drive-In
4. Melody of Certain Damaged Lemons - Blonde Redhead
5. White Pony - Deftones
6. Figure 8 - Elliot Smith
7. Kid A - Radiohead
8. Left and Leaving - Weakthans
9. EP - Hey Mercedes
10. Heaven Ain't Happening - The Lapse

Ode to my cheating Ex
Insight to disbelief
I won't let harm come to me.
I am the one who will bring you down.
This innocent face mustn't lead you on.
I will crush you with a million bricks
And then I will castrate your dick.

See, I can be funny and bitter at the same time, I have many talents.

Tonight I will stay in and write. And write until my brain goes on overload. Then I will sleep. Then I will wake and write some more. Then I will die. And I will smile while my breathe my last breathe.

UnPop! will be posting something I wrote in their Lit section on Monday. Go check it out.

I don't mind it when people call to ask me if I feel like going out, I do mind when they call ten times a night trying to pressure me into leaving my room when I just don't want to. So, stop f-ing calling!

Mama Gina... OHyeah...

I'll stop now, the frustration of losing the past two weeks is getting to me and I have no more to write...

Send me an email, I like to read.

Have some fun!
Christine

2001-05-01T05:21:00.000-05:00

5.17am
Top Story
I'm awake. Oh wait, that's normal...

I'm currently reading Visions of Cody by Jack Kerouac (pic above). This one is a bit hard for me to digest as it runs back and forth and isn't realy in novel form, which is making me love it more. If you want to know about the real Beat Writers you should head over to: Literary Kicks - it's the best site out there for the Beats.

Most webpage guides tell you not to give your readers any reason to leave your page and you know what I say to that? Fuck it.

Here I'll put some good web reads so you can get the hell out of here. Just remember to right click your mouse on the link and "open in a new window" so that you come back and grab something else to read. And then when your done click the "x" on my page and get outside and have some f-ing fun in the nice weather! You computer geek! hehehe

The first thing I found is an article while I was reading UnPop a music webzine. And there I found a great article by Steve Albini about major record labels. Check it out: The Problem With Music.

Something else I found on UnPop was In Praise of Non-Commercialism... - another worthwhile read.

I also found this other cool music webzine called Nude as the News. It has this great piece on Music Obsession. Check it out.

And last but not least on the Chicago Reader Page in their Post No Bills section they talk about a rad hip hop group. Check it out.

My Top Five for the night is taken from my other journal, so WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

TOP FIVE EXAMPLES OF GUYS BEING JERKS
1. "Wasn't Me" - Shaggy - A song about a lying cheating fucker who cheats on his girlfriend and his dumbass friend says to deny. Stupid assholes.
2. "Wanderer" - Dion - A song about a jerk who dates alot of girls at once and once they get serious he runs way. Fucking typical I tell you.
3. "When I Come Around" - Green Day - A song about a boy trying to avoid his girlfriend. Jerk
4. "Pretty When You Cry" - Vast - A song about a boy who gets off on making his girl cry, because he feels he's been hurt. Yeah right, so two wrongs make a right, huh asshole?
5. "Sorry About That" - Alkaline Trio - A song about a boy who sleeps with a girl and then realizes later (too later) that "well maybe if i would have thought about your feelings" yeah you dumbass, boys never think...

That's all kids!!

Have some fun!!
Christine

2001-04-30T16:06:00.000-05:00

3.52pm
Top Story
I suck at Teen Jeopardy

Let's start off with the top five so you know where I stand:
Top Five Songs For My Ex
1. Baggage - Knuckleduster
2. Treason - Naked Raygun
3. 3 Libras - Perfect Circle
4. No Sensitivity - Jimmy Eat World
5. Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik (Nick Drake)

Yesterday I got an email from my Adam that he mass mailed to his friends, I thought it was pretty interesting so I share with you this:
Truth cannot be conveyed in words

Truth cannot be conveyed in words.
Words disguise the subtle essence

We give names to truth,
but these names are unreliable
as a finger pointing to the moon.

As soon as the moon rises,
the finger points to empty skies.

Let's face it.
Truth is naked, unadorned.
It has no name. It has no form.

Nameless and formless,
the subtle essence gives birth
to all forms that walk the earth.

Words and concepts come later,
giving rise to all kinds of theories,
explanations and beliefs.

Complexities abound.
Misunderstandings proliferate.

The more words people use,
the harder it is to understand them.

Paul Ferrini

I downloaded some songs and these I highly recommend to you:
Baggage - Knuckleduster
and violence lost - Kung Fu Rick
Noelans Angel - Oh! Ranger
All The Famous People - Little Champions

I read this in this kids journal, I think it's pretty rad... Go here Women Who Wear Glasses by David Shields

Shows I'm looking forward to:
May 6th - Last Day Parade
May 10th - Cursive, Enon and Dismemberment Plan (Noise Pop)
May 14th - Jets to Brazil
June 26th - Fugazi

I saw this: So You Wanna Fake Being an Indie Rock Expert? on someone's journal. It tells you how to fake talking to those pretentious kids. It's pretty amusing. This site has a ton of "So You Wanna.." it's rad, you should check it out.

Check out Diesel Sweeties, an online comic, it's rad as hell.

I think that's it for today kids!

Have some fun!
Christine

2001-04-26T22:53:00.000-05:00

10.39am
Top Story
It's been a week

First off... I am online through AOL - yeah it's crap, but it's free... so I don't complain. Well, on AOL they have a "welcome" screen in which they put the daily news and highlighted articles... One of them being this:
Top 10 Things You Should Never Say To Her
By Shawn Croft
Relationship Correspondent - Every 2nd Sunday
10. Man, you look so much like your mom!
9. I would have invited you, but you're no fun
8. Anything related to marriage or children
7. Would have, could have, should have
6. You don't need another pair of shoes
5. Any story about your private life
4. Come on, a few little cramps never hurt anybody
3. What's the big deal? You have another birthday next year
2. Are you sure the dress shrunk?
1. That's not the way my ex did it
OK, so I ask you this: WHO THE HELL REALLY ASKS THESE THINGS? are men that dumb? I don't think so. I think the writer was stressed for time and jotted this out. But, god, if this applies to you: please, stop dating! you're hopeless!!

OK, normally, I don't put many private things in this journal. I like to keep it light. I have another journal in which i like to divulge a little more of my private life. BUT here's an update on what's going on and our ritual top five, which I've changed to a top ten:
Top Ten Things Happening In My Life
1. My friend moved to Las Vegas and is getting hitched, who wants to be my date and pay for my trip? hehe
2. I'm moving back to Albuquerque
3. I changed my mind, I hate that place.
4. I have a job. WOOHOO!
5. I'm still looking for another one.
6. The zine is in the process of almost being done - I amaze myself sometimes
7. There is a girl that hates me still. Don't you know "I ain't mad at 'cha?" Hehehe. Fuck it. (And I'm sure she'll promptly post about this in her journal as she does at least four times a week mention my name.)
8. I think I might mention the word "love"... yes, I will and it's not carlos... don't ask anymore questions, i'm done mentioning it
9. Did I say there's a boy? hehehe... ok,i'm really done now...
10. My acceptance speach for my oscar for screenwriter and director of my soon to be (in twenty years) movie: "I thank the girl who fucked my boyfriend for helping me write such a piece and all the rest of you assholes who created such anger that moved me to write about you so that the world will know what assholes you are. These are the following people: at this point I would name each and every single one of you. There's that Destiny's Child song "survivor" where they say they wouldn't talk shit aobut someone because "my momma taught me better than that" well fuck all that shit. You crossed my path and my pen will let the world know what kind of person you are. You shouldn't have dicked aroudn with a writer, we're vengeful people and words are worse than bruises. Ah, the feeling of evil is within, watch out! hehehehehehhehe

Currently I have been listening to:
The Wedding Present
Little Champions
Placebo
The new Unwound

Currently I have been reading:
ummm... I'll get back to you, becaues i'm too lazy to go get teh books to get the correct title and author... but i'm reading and that's all that matters...

I'm off for now... Phone is ringing and it's a .... nevermind, not your business. God! stop drilling me, I won't tell! Ok, fine, you twisted my arm... It's a boy... hehehehe.... i'm such a fucking girl it's sickening...

Have a fun day kids!
And welcome back to me and to you!
Christine

2001-04-20T03:13:00.000-05:00

3.08am
Top Story
Where the hell is my friend?!?!

Glasses. I have this new theory. I am borrowing my friend's glasses because I can see perfectly out of them and am too poor to afford my own right now. And now all of the sudden I completely understand him. And trust me, if you knew him, that's a scary venture. He's a very rad guy, but, a little, hmmm, not right? Hehe. So yeah, I have these glasses and all of the sudden when he tells me a problem, I'm thinking like him. It's like I'm seeing the world through his eyes. Fucked up right?

Placebo rocks

I have problems admitting that my friend Rob likes Rush. Please don't say it's true. He told me that the other day and then I was in his room. And all shock and horror, there it was, the Rush CD. I was so dissapointed.

"I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight" I'd tell you my wish, but then it wouldn't come true and I'd really like a goodnight kiss tonight. *wink, wink*

Wood floors are the devil's curse. You can everyone moving everywhere. If you ever move to an apartment building, make sure they don't have wood floors. People get all happy about them, but they suck.

Top Five Reasons I Need New CDs
1. I'm bored with my old ones
2. I don't have a CD burner
3. I need to listen to Placebo 24/7
4. The new Shipping News is still absent from my CD collection
5. I'm having problems getting my ex to send MY cd's back to me. DAMNIT.

Have some fun kids!
Christine

2001-04-15T22:05:00.000-05:00

9.49am
Top Story
The Day Punk Rock Died
Joey Ramone, lead singer of legendary punk band the Ramones, passed away at 2:40 p.m. Sunday. He was 49. He died from failing to get treatment of lymphatic cancer. His death was confirmed Sunday by Arturo Vega, the Ramone's longtime artistic director.
Did you read that? Fucking Joey Ramone is dead!
What a horrible fucking day.
And to make it worse - AOL's Entertaiment news has a fucking Spy Kids story as their top story and Joey's death near the bottom of the list. How fucked up is that?

And of course you know what the top five is:
Top Five Ramones Songs
1. Blitzkrieg Bop
2. 53rd and 3rd
3. I don't Wanna Walk Around With You
4. Psychotherapy
5. Beat on the Brat

Here are some "Speak Out Your Thoughts" from AOL's message board:
(screennames removed)
Joey was an amazing rock singer and an amazing person. Supportive of local bands and incredibly important in punk and just basic rock and roll. Without artiface or pretense he changed the way I heard things. The way Rock and Roll should be played. With a sense of humor, amazing energy and a new way of playing that blew the lid
off of what I thought was good. He will be SORELY missed!
God help Rock and Roll.
andrea

joey is a punk rock god and in heaven (or somewhere) now jamming with darby and sid and the rest of the boys.....
r.i.p. joey
i remember you

go out and listen to your ramones records kids...

christine

2001-04-15T01:43:00.000-05:00

1.38am
Top Story
Friends Come and Go...

Went to my friend's going away shindig tonight... It was... lacking? To say the least...

I had some beers, I have a headache now...

Big News
Christine has a job! Well, sort of... I want to find something else as well, but I will be working security at the old World Theater near Chicago... Woohoo! free concerts, that's all I care about... So yeah, a job...

I'm going to Frank Black, hi-fives all around...

Have you ever noticed that when you want someone to dissapear they come around more?

Top Five Reasons To Move Out Of Town
1. That annoying neighbor who always seems to be in your way
2. Walking outside your door and ducking the stray bullets
3. Your parents don't seem as cool as they used to be when they let you and your friends drink in the basement
4. Your sister is the laziest person alive
5. You want to walk into your living room and see a poster of Built to Spill rather than bunnies

Have you noticed that you go into spurts with the internet? You're addicted for a month, then you hate, then you're addicted, then you hate it, and so on and so on...
Also have you noticed everyone says, "you have my email address, right?" That's creepy...

Bands I recommend for the transistion into spring:
Hey Mercedes
Sloan
Sparklehorse
and... Weezer (well weezer is good for anytime of the year)

Bands I recommend you never hear:
Insane Clown Posse
Dream
Slipnot
most rap/metal...

I've figured out the I love getting phone calls from boys... Especially when the boy says, "Hey baby"... I used to HATE, HATE, HATE, cheesy sentiments like that, but oh how nice they sound now, it makes me giggle like a school girl...

I'll miss you all when you're gone: one of my bestest friends is moving on Tues all the way to Las Vegas... I'm very sad about this...

Have some fun kids!
I'll update alot more often if Blogger doesn't not work for me again, like it did the past few days...

2001-04-11T12:20:00.000-05:00

11.58am
Top Story
Workin' On Leaving the Living

I'm on a Modest Mouse kick right now. I am missing some of my CDs, but they are in the land of the lost - Albuqueruqe. Along with a few other items, but so it goes in love and war, no?

I had a weird night last night.
yep, that's all just weird.

I am going to believe that people are essentially good. Well I've always believed that, there is good in everyone. But every now and then along comes a person and it makes you wonder, if that is really true.

I was listening to Hey Mercedes not too long ago and I've decided The House Shook if my favorite song.

Yeah, real interesting stuff today guys...

Finding a job is hard when you're not looking. I think that places should just call me. They should just somehow know i need a job.

Ex-boyfriends are weird.

Girls are weird.

I am weird.

It's a weird day today too...

Sorry, I'll update more later, I have this instant wanting to make a mix tape of Modest Mouse songs... I'll call it... "Mixing with The Mouse"...

Top Five Modest Mouse Songs
1. Trailor Trash
2. Life of Artic Sounds
3. Karma Payment Plan
4. I Came as a Rat
5. Out of Gas

later kids!
christine

2001-04-09T04:54:00.000-05:00

4.32am
Top Story
I f-ing love Jawbreaker!

No News. So It's the Issue of Top Fives

Top Five Jawbreaker Lyrics
1. "...I made a word to give this state a name, this game a guess, I call it sluttering, it means as little as your little test..." - Sluttering (Dear You)
2. "You're not punk and I'm telling everyone, save your breath I was never one. You don't know what i'm all about, like killing cops and reading Kerouac..." - Boxcar (24 Hr Revenge Therapy)
3. "...Do you want to touch alot like me?..." - Chesterfield King (Bivouac)
4. "...You offer me a million bucks, all I want's a steady fuck, oh steady, steady where are you?..." - Million (Dear You)
5. "...Should we get married or just go on killing each other? I don't think I hate you enough to commit you to me..." - I Love You So Much It's Killing Us Both (Dear You)
And Honorable Mention
"...what's the meanest you can be to the one you claim to love and still smile to your new found friends?..." - Accident Prone (Dear You)

Top Five Movies That Are Too Weird For You
1. Cecil B. Demented
2. Pink Flamingo
3. I Shot Andy Warhol
4. Harold and Maude
5. Chuck and Buck

Top Five Comforting Songs
1. Accident Prone - Jawbreaker (don't ask me why, i'm a weirdo)
2. Why'd We Ever Meet? - Promise Ring (again, i'm a weirdo)
3. Divorce Song - Liz Phair
4. Sugar, Sugar - Archies
5. Ball and Chain - Social D
and after having done this top five, I realize, i've got issues... my "comforting" songs are really, lyrically, not that happy...

Top Five Reasons I Despise the Southwest
1. Roaches
2. The fucking Sun
3. lack of hetic nature of a big city
4. Lack of bitter kids
5. the desert

Top Five Reasons the Southwest sometime isn't so bad
1. Jenn
2. The Mountains
3. Scared of Chakra
4. It's Quiet Nature
5. Rt. 66

Top Five Reason Chicago is the best City ever
1. I've never been to NYC
2. I've never been to London
3. I've never been to Portland
4. I've never been to Italy
5. I live thirty minutes away

Top Five Reasons I really Like Chicago
1. Diverse music scene and venues
2. The North Side
3. Seeing movies that aren't shown here in the burbs
4. Art Museum
5. Being unknown in the midst of thousands

Top Five Reasons I'm signing offline in minutes
1. I'm tired
2. I'm running out of Top Fives
3. My download is almost complete
4. A very cute boy is calling in fifteen minutes
5. It's supposed to be a nice day out tomorrow and I don't want to ruin it by sleeping until dark

Top Five Things You Should Notice - the last top five for the night
1. How adorable you are
2. Violets will be popping up all over lawns
3. The fact that you're a good person
4. That someone, somewhere loves you and life isn't so bad
5. You're never alone, even when you think you are

Later kids!
Christine

2001-04-05T10:06:00.000-05:00

9.52am
Top Story
You know you have issues when your nightmares are you reading the newspaper and on the front page are a list of you favorite bands with the headline: THEY CALL IT QUITS. Please don't let me have a sixth sense.

Here's something I just wrote:
And this time has come that I have feared. I wondered where I would be and how it would go. I was always warned that you never live forever with your first love, but I was blinded by a blissful foolish sense. And now comes the point that everyone has to stand, an end to the era you never thought would end. It happened just like predicted, a faded memory of promises never kept. And I guess I never said I was sorry. But I am, sorry. And here I am standing on this new ground that I have never traveled. And you're not here. But with this new ground, comes a new mind and I wouldn't want you here. Love is a weird experience and I won't try to be a fool and describe it's very essence. I could never live without it. And yet it's so hard to live with it. I could move on with or without you, either way it's a burden. But, dear, this is the end of the end. There is nothing else left to do, but say our goodbyes and quit pretending there is something to salvage.

I just downloaded this Ben Harper song called "Walk Away". Did I ever mention how songs can completely change your mood?
"Oh no here comes that sun again, it means another day without you, my friend and it hurts me to look in the mirror at myself and it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else. And it's so hard to do and so easy to say, but sometimes you have to walk away. So many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one? But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun. And it's so hard to do and so easy to say, sometimes you just have to walk away. Walk away and head for the door. We've tried the goodbye. So many days we walk in the same direction, so that we could never stray. They say if you love somebody you got to set them free, but i would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery. They say time will make all this go away. But it's time that has taken my tomorrow and turned them into yesterdays. Once again that rising sun is dropping down, once again you my friend are nowhere to be found. And it's so hard to do and so easy to say, but sometimes you just have to walk away. Walk away and head for the day. You just walk away."

There is another Ben Harper song that makes me very sad. It brings on this feeling of lonliness, but not because of one boy or one situation. It envelopes a whole of me. Sort of hard to explain. It doesn't just bring boys to mind, or relationships, it's a point in my life now and a point in my life then and a point in my life soon to be. I recognize with the first note. Anyhow, I've mentioned it on here before, it's called "Forever" and the reason I bring it up is because it's currently playing on my computer as I type.

Top Ten String of Words Off the Top of My Head
1. Forever
2. Promises
3. Lonliness
4. Love
5. Carlos
6. Sorrow
7. Tears
8. Pity
9. Comfort
10. Kansas

I'm off...
Have some fun kids!

2001-04-03T12:37:00.000-05:00

2001-04-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

12.11pm
Top Story
I miss old Madonna

"something in your eyes is making such a fool of me. when you hold me in your arms, you love me till i just can't see, but then you let me down when i look around, baby you just can't be found. stop driving me away, i just want to say.... just try to understand, i'm giving all i can, 'cuz you got the best of me. borderline. feels like i'm going to lose my mind. you just keep on pushing my love over the borderline..."

So, I've decided what I'm going to give my friend who is moving far away. I don't have much money, but (and I don't think he reads this, i hope not!),I've decided to make him a picture album, because since I'm the picture queen, I have TONS of pictures of all of our friends from the past three years, and since I always get doubles for times like this, I'll have a good album going. But I haven't even started it, because the big task is going through a huge, i'm talking huge, bin - big as a box you would pack your crap in to move - of pictures and those are only from the past four years. That's going to be the biggest part of this project. The easy part will be putting them together. And then the fun part will be decorating the album and pages. I think I'm also going to make him a mix tape or maybe I can convince my friend to let me make a mix CD on his burner, since Steve has a CD player in his car. And i'm still thinking of other things to do.

So yeah, ok, with all this Madonna on VH1 - first I ask: What happened to the good old days of Madonna when she was cool?!?!?!?!?
Top Five "Back in the Day" Madonna Songs
1. Material Girl
2. Lucky Star
3. Borderline
4. Get Into the Groove
5. Crazy For You

And for you added pleasure
Top Five Reasons I Haven't Gotten A Job Yet
1. I like the free time
2. I hate filling out apps
3. I don't want to get bogged down by a job here (in the Region)
4. I don't want to work at Target
5. I don't want to work nights.

That being said, I'll be going to Target today - here in the Region - and filling out a f-ing hour long app, taking up prime coffee with friends hours, to see if i can get a job working nights.
Fucking jobs.

I'm off - have some fun kids!
Christine

2001-04-03T07:58:00.000-05:00

7.47am
Top Story
Watching Pokeman

"It looks like Champion Team Rocket is blasting off again!"
Moral lesson for today's show: All of us must have the courage to follow our own true path

once again, i'm too tired to write anything... i'll post later today

Christine

2001-04-02T09:42:00.000-05:00

9.31am
Top Story
Nothing

Hehe, actually there is nothing going on.
No new news.
"No News is Good news!"

Top Five Alex Chilton Songs
in order
1. Oogum Boogum
2. No Sex
3. What's Your Sign Girl?
4. There Will Never Be Another You
5. Can't Seem To Make You Mine

yeah, i dig him the most...

bye kids!
Christine

2001-03-31T14:35:00.000-06:00

2001-03-31T13:58:00.000-06:00

1.55pm
Top Story
"All of my love, all of my kissing, you don't know what you've been missing..."

First off, I want to say all of you that live in the South Suburbs of Chicago and Northwest Indiana, I better see you on April 8th for the Haven House Benefit. 11 Great bands - Sissies, Quarterturn, Boys Like To Scare You, Wisdumb, Stifle, French Fence, Wolcott, Myopia, Rob Boldt, Supersleuth and one more that i'm forgetting - it's some kids from Operation Cliff Claven... it's 3-11pm at the National Guard Headquarters on 173rd. right near Purdue Calumet. It's only $6 and for a good cause. So come out or I'll get all Jackie Chan on you.

Why are really bad songs so fucking addicting? "I can't deal with this idiot. Yeah, I must admit, that he's a punk ass bitch. You open up your mouth, amazed at what comes out, it's just a testimony, that you're full of bologna... you think because she smiles, that you turned all her dials, but you don't see her later, while in the elevator..." Oh the Region Rats do come to mind with this song.

She doesn't believe that once her life would dwell in flowers and butterflies. Now she's scarred and she doesn't know who she is. She doesn't like what is around her. But she doesn't give up, because she's stronger than you and you all could piss off as much as she's concerned.
She once was in love and it was all she could imagine till some other girl came along. She packed up and moved along. And this doesn't concern her anymore because the world is full of boys like him. And she's just a girl that is stronger than you, you think she's weak hearted, but she'll crush you.
Yeah, write what you want about her. Because she has it framed on her wall.
Yeah, say what you want about her. Because she laughs at your lies.
And this morning she woke up, didn't feel too good. She didn't think she could wake up today. She turned over and let her mind resolve itself. She thought, "it's just another day. no need to be sad. people will always fuck you, but you can face it."
So, she's only 24, but she's lived more than you. And she'll step all over your critism. And today she woke up and faced her day and your scoffs of her life. And today she smiled and said a lovely, "Fuck you."

Teenage Dirtbag... What a beautiful love song... (I need to get wheatus off my cd player before it discredits my indie points, hehehe)

For a certain boy that reads this often:
"But it's too late to say you're sorry, how would I know, why should I care?" Zombies

And speaking of the Zombies, Kinks, Buddy Holly, Hollies.... What happened to good music? I completely dig the music I currently like, but it's just not the same... And no, Kiss is not in this "what happened to good music"... hehe...
That having been said:

Top Five Pre-80's Songs That Make Me Sing To The Top Of My Lungs
1. Fortunate Son - Creedance Clearwater Revival? Revisited? damn, the old one...
2. She's Not There - Zombies
3. Busstop - Hollies
4. Everyday - Buddy Holly
5. I'm Not Like Them (? not sure on the title) - Kinks

"Whoever you are, whatever you do, wherever you are, you don't deserve abuse. SURVIVOR." Fifteen

I'm out kids!
Have some fun!
Christine

2001-03-29T04:00:00.000-06:00

2001-03-29T03:54:00.000-06:00

3.44am
Top Story
What?!?!?!?

Things you'll find on PollStar - if you go to their page, you'll find their full story:
Texas-based buzz band At The Drive-In has abruptly called off its remaining tour schedule and announced it is taking a break. "After a non-stop six-year cycle of record-tour-record-tour, we are going on an indefinite hiatus," guitarist Omar Rodriguez explained.

I could try to look elsewhere to see if this is true, but I'm too damn tired tonight...

OK, normally at 4am, "I'm wide, awake, alert, enthusiastic" but not tonight. I'm damn tired. So, I'll leave you with this.

Top Five Mellow Songs to Send You Off to Sleep
1. It Came From the Ground - Badly Drawn Boy
2. Don't Mix Your Drinks - Elbow
3. Medicine Magazines - Low
4. It's so True - Spain
5. Dry the Rain - Beta Band

I'm off to sleep kids.... night!
Christine

2001-03-28T06:50:00.000-06:00

6.24am
Top Story
A creative mind has put together a most fabulous thought: "Piss Off" anonymous

"Twist a knife in it, I don't care, Drain the life from it, I don't care." Hey Mercedes

"We Can Change the World"

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and he went into a spiel about growing up. Mainly about how your ideals you had at 18 become tainted and formed into reality. Am I that old that I find myself believing him? And if I'm that old, aren't I old enough to stop looking up to him and form my own thought? Yes, Yes. Four years ago I would have believed and agreed with most anything he said, with wide eyes and an open mind. But four years does something to a person at my younger age. Four years seems like four hundred years. I'm told your years start to mesh together once you get older, I guess I'm not that old yet.
Four years ago I believed I could make a difference. I believed that I could change the world. I believed in my ideals and morals and the way the world should be changed. "Down with capitalism!" "Down with the government!" "Damn the Man" And what do I have to say about it now? WHO THE HELL EXACTLY IS "THE MAN"? I'm not so paranoid. But on some other aspects, I'm more paranoid. Four years ago I didn't give a shit about health reform, taxes and work benefits. Four years ago I could tell you what companies to boycott, which artists to avoid and what our politicians were doing their free time. But I couldn't tell you why. "Because, they're evil."
At this point I still hold true to some ideals. I still I believe that I could make a difference. But the difference being, I know that I alone could never make a change. And the change would be a slow gradual process that I may never see the results of. I also know that the vocal word has more impact that anyone believes. Though it adds to your plight to be part of some active group that are making impacts you can see, your spouts of your beliefs to a listening party while out for coffee has just as much impact. I've learned the power of "denting the opposers opinion": all you have to do is add a slight doubt to someone's mind and you have made a change. Perhaps they'll never move over to your side, but you have made them question everything they believe.
In my earlier years I was completely against capitalism. Capitolism=Evil. The purest of all evils. Now? Now that has changed. Now I believe you need capitalism to survive as an economy. But I do not believe in capitalism as a government, which is how our government (in my beliefs) is currently run. I realized this when I realized what my dream of life consisted of. I want to own and run my own record label/recording studio. I want to own and run a book/music store. This is capitalism at it's purest. How can I down something I want to so bad? It was then I realized the difference between capitalism and running your government by capitalism. There's a difference, trust me.
Four years ago, I thought the government was out to ruin the working man and all women and minorities. And now, well, OK, some things haven't changed in my mind. I still think the government is a bunch of white bred, rich, male pigs.
But what I'm saying is this. Without those years of passionate ideals I would have never grown a bit older to discover deeper into these issues. I wouldn't stand so strongly on health reform for blue collar workers. I wouldn't care so much about benefits at work. It was from earlier years that I learned something to needed to be changed. I wasn't sure what, but I knew whatever it is I was passionate about it, I was strong willed and loudly opinionated. And now with having learned that I know what I feel strongly about and why. I know all sides of the issues and I know that for now, something's just that aren't as important. I know that at this age, young as it is (24 yrs.), I have taken what I learned in the past and expanded. I doubt that at age 20, if I was listening to just mainstream music and reading only what my college English Prof told me to, rather than listening to the political punk/rock bands I did listen to and reading books various friends recommended, I'd care so much about my surroundings. I doubt I'd care about my "fellow man" and be the person I am growing into. I used to be so scared of growing up and being "old." Now it's not so much of a fear, but a part of life that I can change into what I want it to be.

That having been said....

Top Five Political Punk Songs
1. ...and we thought the nation-states were a good idea - Propagandhi
2. Susan - SubHumAns
3. Room Without a View - OPIV
4. Hellnation - Dead Kennedys
5. Do They Owe Us A Living? - Crass

that's all for now kids....
Christine

2001-03-25T06:52:00.000-06:00

6.58am
Top Story
...and from under the rocks they slime towards me...

hehe, not really, but that sounded good...

Tom McFarlen made Where the Wild Things Are figures... If you want to buy me a gift, get that... hehehe
I'm off to watch my music video tapes galore...
Bob Dylan
Fugazi
Sunny Day Real Estate
Radiohead
Kill Rock Stars Comp
It's a marathon, or at least till someone wakes me up and makes me press stop...

Top Five Music Quotes I've Heard in the Last Few Hours
1. "I lost my membership card to the human race, so don't forget the face, 'cuz I know that I do belong here.." What do you want me to say? - Dismemberment Plan
2. "i swear i'll be the water underneath your hole. a ship lost in the harbor, something far from home." The Water Underneath - jrcorduroy
3. "I know that this is wrong, but if it's real, it's what i like the best, you can take your heart out of my mouth, but it won't make any difference.." Magnificent - Silverman
4. "a gold bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame, to think i held you yesterday your love was just a game.." Never There - Cake
5. "...those who feel a breathe of sadness, sit down next to me, those who find their touched by madness, sit down next to me, those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me..." Sit Down - James

Have some fun kids!!
Christine

Have some fun kids!

Christine

2001-03-25T05:08:00.000-06:00

4.48am
Top Story
Cigarettes are dwindling

I WANNA BE IN THE MINORITY. I DON'T NEED YOUR AUTHORITY. DOWN WITH THE MORAL MAJORITY. BECAUSE I WANNA BE IN THE MINORITY... A FREE FOR ALL, FUCK 'EM ALL!..."

Top Five Nostalgic Punk Songs
1. Where Eagles Dare - Misfits
2. Whatever Didi Wants - NOFX
3. Vanilla Blue - Naked Raygun
4. Gifts - Propagandhi
5. Room Without a View - OPIV

Giddiness is annoying... So I must be fucking annoying as hell right now... :) Oh to smile is so nice!!!

back in a few kids!
Christine

2001-03-23T01:26:00.000-06:00

1.18am
Top Story
emptiness could be easily confused for lonliness

Told this is how it goes.
Life.
But I don't understand how something perfect could end up a regret.
And the song sings "blame no one."
But the blame is all over.
I'm thinking that creativity is the persecution of us all.
The happiest couples are those with no mind.
So maybe I will ditched my mind for a happy love.
And the song sings "we'll be trapped inside the chase."
But I think the chase has ended.
And all this on my mind for many months,
I just have one other question:
Why wouldn't love keep strong?
You all seem to have all the explanations, answers.
You state what is and how things go.
So I ask you what happened to love?

I still don't have a job. I'm not really liking people. I hate the outside. And I'm tired of all this complaining.
Sometimes I question why I wake up in the morning.

I have modest mouse on the mp3 player tonight, a mix of all the albums. But the new always seems to pop up. A fresh reminder of my summer. But this certain song reminds me of why I left. I didn't leave because of the boy. I didn't leave because it wasn't Chicago. This song explains it. And I remember sitting in my room filled with all of his stuff and none of my stuff. All of his memories and none of mine. Sitting there listening to this song over and over and over until it broke me. "How do, how do you do? My name is You. Flies they all gather me and you too." I tried to make my home there. I tried to make myself a part of what was the South West. I tried to compromise. "Well I don't want you to be alone down there, to be alone." (Alone down there) It seemed that album came out and I purchased it at the exact time I needed these type of songs to tell me to get the hell out of the desert - Albuquerque.
"'cuz you cocked your head to shoot me down and i don't give a damn about you or this town no more."
Perfect Disguise
"i wanna live in the city with no friends and family, i'm gonna look out the window of my color TV."
A Different City
"so long to this cold, cold part of the part."
The Cold Part
"does anybody know a way that a body could get away? Does know anbody know a way?"
Tiny Cities Made of Ashes
"it takes a long time, but god dies too, but not before he'll stick it to you."
I Came as a Rat
"noone's gonna play the harp when you die."
Lives
This modest mouse album, plus Carol King - Tapestry album (which i'll post about some other time, because this completely killed me as well) were part of my soundtrack of last summer. Not too good of a soundtrack, mood wise, huh?
I guess that's why I'm home.
Home and bored.
Bored and tired.
Tired and defeated.
Defeated and alone.
I wish i wasn't home.

Top Five Reasons I'm not doing a "Top Five" tonight
1. I can't think of anything
2. What's the point?
3. I'm sad and i've already done a top five sad songs
4. I've already done a top five albuquerque songs
5. i'm too worn out to think

have some fun kids, someone should
Christine

2001-03-21T23:48:00.000-06:00

"All my life, waiting for somebody. come and take my hand... been down so long, it doesn't really matter... you come along, it doesn't really matter, i go it alone, it doesn't even hurt!... I know down deep, I made a big decision, i'm going to sleep and i'm going there alone. I know damn well, I'm tired of all this crying, on my feet as far as I can tell..."

Ever wake up and feel all the cliched cheesiness of being able to move without tears? Ever meet a boy/girl and then hours later at home you realize you didn't compare at all? Ever fall asleep with a nice easiness? Ever decide that the sun wasn't so bad? Ever regain your faith in love?

This is where I am. But all is not perfect "not entirely perfect" (Empire Records)

"I try and comprehend you, but I got a dyslexic heart, I ain't dying to offend you, I got a dyslexic heart. Do I read you correctly? You need me directly? Help me with this part. Do I date you, do I hate you, do I - I got a dyslexic heart. You keep swaying, what are you saying? Think about staying? Well you just play making passes, now my heart could use some glasses."

There's this boy in my life, what do I think about this? I don't even know what to think. Runs hot and cold he does. So where do I stand and do I even take a stand? My friends say I'm blind to this romance, but I have yet to see a romance. Why can't boys just be direct and say "be my girlfriend?" Why can't I just be direct and say, "I like you, do you like me?" But no, we have to play this game of who will reveal first. Flirt, flirt, flirt. It's part of the game. Casually mention you want to do something, then pause, pause for his reply and hope it's an invitation out. I don't think I'm up for another game of cat and mouse.

"You're artistic, I envy that aspect of you." He goes on. I am appreciative of his compliments, but where I draw the line and analyze? I'm so tired of analyzing, the truth being I over analyze too much and now here I am under analyzing? Does anyone else think that this dating game is a big farce some god thought up to entertain himself with our human foolish acts?

Go to a bar and watch the live entertainment. No, i'm not talking about the band, I'm talking about the singles club. Watch them bat their eyes, longing in desperation. The boy smiles from afar the girl smiles back and then slyly looks away. Does he make the move towards her? Sure he does and walks past without saying a word five times before he gets the guts to actually confront her. Then begins the game of hide my true self and make me the "Super Me." This is a disgusting that repeats itself a thousand times over in one night. The only advantage is a free drink out of the play.

I just want some boy to come up to me, tell me exactly what he wants and from there we go. I have no issues with a boy who comes up to me and says, "I want to date you, how bout it?" I'd be so happy with his direct confrontation that I'd probably marry the boy. Hehe.

That's just my thoughts on romance. I'm now ready for it again, but not the game. The game sucks and I refuse to play it! So why am I struggling with this number scratched on a small sheet of paper?

I'll add more later... I'm tired of typing...

have some fun!
christine

2001-03-21T03:29:00.000-06:00

8.16pm
Top Story
Lemons with Salt are good.

So I logged onto the AOL last night (this morning) and on the dumb annoying "Welcome" screen is a link for a personality test. Normally, I'm not all about the serious personality tests. The fun ones (emode) sure - but i don't need a test to tell me all the bad qualities of myself. Who wants to know that? But the curiosity hit me and I took it.

It seems I am an Observer. Ok, that's true. I'm caring, outgoing, imaginative and open minded. Well who I am to argue with that? :) Charming, charismic, interactive, communicative and ingenius. Well, that sounds like me, hehe. But, this little test also says that I have problems completing projects. Well, yeah, so? Also that i let drama in life consume me. Well, life would be boring without drama. I have a horribly short attention span. And I live with my feelings rather than logical thinking. Yeah that sounds about right.

The test was a Jung test and I am a ENFP: EXTROVERSION, INTUITIVE, with FEELING and PERCEPTION. Didn't really tell me much else, and besides I knew all that. I mean, I'm pretty damn charming, aren't I? hehehe... to take this test go here Jungian Personality Test.

Here are some webpages I have been diggin' on lately.
Are you wearing a wire? - Hey Mercedes weblog.
Amplified to Rock - a weblog
Indiepulse: Indie Exploration
Government Music
Indie Pop Live

"Make me a mixtape don't leave out husker du, put something on that the cars did in 1982, make me a mixtape that brings me closer to you" (Promise Ring). Mix tapes, mix tapes. I just made a mix tape for myself. A fun tape for the train ride into the City on through the city on the El.
Promptly named "Fun Train Tape, bop, bop"
Side A: "Equally, Easily Fuck You Over"
1. Can't Stand You - The Queers
2. I'm a Bee - Love as Laughter
3. Second Place - The Get Up Kids
4. Sad Tomorrow - Muffs
5. Living Alone - Koufax
6. Goodbye - Silver Scooter
7. This is Getting Over You - Alkaline Trio
8. I Confess to All This Mess - The Stereo
9. You're No Rock n Roll Fun - Sleater-Kinney
10. Butterfly Collector - The Jam
11. Ball of Twine - Manplanet
12. Oyster - Jawbreaker
Side B: "Work is Repitition"
1. She - Misfits
2. Punk Ass Bitch - Wheatus
3. Who Rocks the Party - Les Savy Fav
4. Mockhouse - Wolfie
5. Cut Your Hair - Pavement
6. I Came As a Rat - Modest Mouse
7. Devotion - Weezer
8. The House Shook - Hey Mercedes
9. If You Want To - Draco
10. Lamer than Lame - Nerf Herder
11. It's Alright, It's OK - Chisel
12. Chewbacca - Oh! Ranger

there it is... side a quote is from modest mouse and side b is from capn jazz...

I should be happy with that for about a week till i make a new one... hehehe... My goal was to have a mix tape for every month... There is March's... My January one is a bit mean... and the February one is a bit more emo/pop... all emo/pop actually...

TOP FIVE
Top Five Cover Songs
1. Baby, One More Time - Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa (Britney Spears)
2. Cheers Theme Song - Lagwagon (have no clue)
3. Always Something There To Remind Me - Braid (don't know the band, but it's a Burt Bacharach song)
4. I Get Around - Pennywise (Beach Boys)
5. I Want It That Way - Fountains of Wayne (Backstreet Boys)

Song I can't stop listening to: I Confess To All This Mess - The Stereo

I think if someone ever made my unfinished book a movie, the beginning and end credits would definately HAVE to be this song. OK, the book is based on - me! - hehe, and my life, but more over my friends. I type on the computer to write the book, so I'm thinking the beginning scene with the credits would be me waking up making some coffee and sitting down with a cup and my cigarettes and then start typing - with this song going. Dig?

Then end credits would be the Stereo playing a show and playing the song and then panning on each main character and showing the character's name and the actor's name. And then boring credits would go into a black screen and then when the Music credits came up, it would show each song individually and it would show the band (playing or still shot) the song and the album it's on... And while the music credits are going "Make Me a Mixtape" by the Promise Ring would be playing... Dig?

hehe... yeah, now just what to do for the actual story... hehe

Well I'm off kids...
Have some fun!
Christine

2001-03-18T18:30:00.000-06:00

i did a whole stupid quotes journal... but the dumb thing got lost... grrrr... so i'm not posting until i'm done being angry!!!

grrrr

christine

2001-03-18T06:15:00.000-06:00

5.11am
Top Story
Silverman

I have another journal, which is autobiographical fiction - my thoughts and feelings remain true, but the people and places are false... sort of... actually, some of it is word for word, other is a slight change (names, places) and more of it is completely changed, but still has the same sentiment... if that makes sense... Nameless Shameless. Anyhow, this boy posted to it. So I read his journal (denmarkadonis) and he had that his current music was Silverman. With the lyrics "saw someone kissing, someone i'd love to kiss." That sold me. I downloaded the song and I was completely wowed. The woman his this beautiful sad voice. And the music is sort of trance/trip/guitar. It's sort of like Bjork, sort of. There are few bands/artists that I hear and am completely entranced when I hear them for the first time, but this is one of them. Silverman has just made it to my top five favorite groups in just two days of hearing them. I highly recommend this group.

Butterflies. I love them. (Hence the name "Butterflies Float Above.") Tonight someone asked me why. So I'll explain it here.

It intrigues and entertains me the way nature teaches a lesson. For instance Fall. I feel (and alot of others do too) that Fall is the most beautiful season of the year. The trees are colors that no paint can copy. There's a crisp cool air to for the heart. It's calm and satisfying. The ground makes that perfect sound of crunching when walking on the ground. For me it's more the season of Love than Spring is. But, Fall is the season of dying. Those trees that you love to look at are colors of death. And the ground is the fallen leaves. The air is after our warm summer has gone and the flowers are null and void. Yet, we still love this season. You see, I think Nature is teaching that death is a beautiful thing. And should not be feared. Death is a part of life and should be accepted as so.

Now with that example of Nature teaching in mind, let's go back to Butterflies. Why do I love them? For the simple lesson Nature teaches. "It's the inner beauty that counts." You see when a butterfly starts off, it is not a butterfly at all. In fact it's a gross ugly larva, then an ugly catipillar. Then it becomes a beautiful butterfly. But all the while in it's outside ugliness (as larva and catepillar) inside it was still that beautiful butterfly.

That lesson with the fact that personally butterflies portray innocence, childhood and pureness of heart is why when I'm walking down the street and spot one of these winged creatures my heart becomes full with happiness. I also believe that when a butterfly graces you with it's presence and passes you by something good will become of your day.

Also I just read this: INDIAN LEGEND ABOUT BUTTERFLIES
....As the Indian Legend Goes...If anyone desires a wish to come true they must capture a butterfly and whisper that wish to it. Since they make no sound, they can't tell the wish to anyone but the Great Spirit. So by making the wish and releasing the butterfly it will be taken to the heavens and be granted.

Some civilizations believed that butterflies served as messengers of the soul.

I also found this from www.butterflywebsite.com - a native american legend, they say.
The sheer beauty of many butterflies is explained in a legend of the Papago. According to this myth, the creator felt sorry for the children when he realized that their destiny was to grow old and become wrinkled, fat, blind, weak etc. Hence, he gathered beautiful colors from various sources such as the sunlight, leaves, flowers, and the sky. These colors were put into a magical bag and presented to the children. When the bag was opened by the children, colored butterflies flew out, enchanting the children who had never seen anything so beautiful. Interestingly, the butterflies also sang which further delighted the children. However, songbirds complained to the Creator because they were jealous that butterflies were both so beautiful and could sing like birds. Hence, the Creator withdrew the ability to sing from butterflies. And, hence butterflies are so beautifully colored, but are now silent.

That's all for now kids... Later!
Christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-03-16T15:55:00.000-06:00

3.40pm
Top Story
Addictions come in all forms.

ad•dict \e-"dikt\ vb 1 : to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or excessively 2 : to cause addiction to a substance in (as a person)

What am I addicted to? Well most commonly and foremost - Coffee and Cigarettes. Especially when I'm sitting at this compute writing. I guess it's better than the drugs Keroauc took to stay awake while writing On The Road. And I'm not sure I'm addicted to the nicotine in cigarettes as in the act of picking up the cigarette and then lighting it. Because if you watch me smoke, you'll find I never smoke all the way down to the butt, I alot of times light the cigarette then put it out, wasting an entire cigarette. Or I'll sit there with an unlit cigarette in my hand. And coffee, well, i'm completely addicted to coffee. "How do you know?" Well, I went a day without drinking last week and by the end of the day I had this raging headache. We were out of tylenol, so I just drank some coffee. After a few cups and an hour, the headache was gone. I'm sick, I tell you. hehehe.

Other Addictions

Another addiction and the other main one is boys. No I don't sleep around or even mess around. I like to look and crush and fall and get bored and dump. In that order. It's a sickness I can't cure. Everynow and then (ready once every couple of years) I'll fall for a boy and actually stop looking at other boys. Ok, well that's a lie. But I look and then compare and the boy I'm with always wins out. But you get the picture. So I fall for the boy, don't get bored and then get my heart broken. Is this karma for doing that to boys? I think so. But I can't help it. There are so many cute boys out there. And I'm not talking about your typically cute magazine, jocko, yuppie boys. I'm usually attracted to their style of clothing or the fact that they're at a certain band's show. Or the way they talk. Or the way they slightly move their head to the side when they smile. Or if they look really geeky in that cute way. Or the typical if they're a writer or musician or artist. Or if they have some habit that makes it a cute noticing factor. You see, I'm addicted. Ask any of my friends. They'll attest to this. Anywhere I am - doesn't matter - a show, the movies, shopping, coffee - My head is constantly turning and I'm pointing out boys everywhere. So when will this end? Why or why can't I just settle or find a boy that will settle with me? I usually end up missing out on a really good boys because of my boredom. I'm doomed to be alone forever. hehehe. well, not alone, but in constant change.

My new current "addiction" (obsession) if you couldn't tell from prior entries is martial arts movies. I used to hate them. I couldn't even sit through one because I had this biased that they sucked. Now I'm a regular at my local video store and I can tell you which stores around here have the best martial arts movie selections. Sick, huh? But trust me, they're so damn rad. I especially dig Jet Li movies. Then Jackie Chan. Then Michelle Yeoh. She's a bad ass. I just watched Once Upon a Time in China yesterday and then Twin Warriors for the third time. I have no job so I thank my parents for contributing money to rent these movies. What is that called when someone contributes to your addiction? I forget. I can also thank Adam for introducing martial arts movies to me - almost like a drug dealer, hehehe.

Another addiction as has been since I was little is music. Since, like I stated before, I have no money. Napster is my best friend. I dig bands the most. Any kind of music - jazz, emo, rock, hip hop, oldies, old country, and so and so on. I have over a thousand mp3's. Which (thanks to my birthday and christmas) I now own about two thirds of those on CD or tape. When I meet someone I ask them what are their favorite bands. Not because I'm playing the "who listens to cooler bands" game, but because I'm always in search of new bands to listen to. It's a sick addiction that is very costly. (With CDs, shows, rare imports, videos it adds up to more than you pay for you car a month, probably)

My last and most favorite addiction is the friendly, loveable Strawberry Shortcake. I love her. She makes me so goddamn happy. I have a collection that is growing fast. I collect everything, the dolls, little figures, books, records, cups, plates, sheets, covers, ect. ect. ect. The big toy show in April is coming. I look forward to this giant toy sale all year long. This year I intend to buy a couple of the necklaces and the butterfly mobile. I'm always accepting gifts of Strawberry Shortcake. Don't worry if I already have it - Two makes all the more better. hehehe...

And that makes up my top five for the day.
Top Five Addictions
1. Coffee
2. Cigarettes
3. boys
4. music
5. Strawberry Shortcake

That's all!
Have some fun out there kids!!

Christine
Butterflies Float Above
Nameless Shameless - a fictional diary
Blue Collar Send Me Away

2001-03-15T04:50:00.000-06:00

4.08am
Top Story
Bop, bop, bop

My head moves to the beat and the smile appears, ah, this shitty music makes me feel so happy. Wheatus, Stereo, Get Up Kids, Nerf Herder, Promise Ring, Reggie and the Full Effect, Blink 182 - all indie rock no-no's, but hey, you can't not move when you hear about being a punk ass bitch who's lamer than lame but certaintly pretty fly for a white guy.
Another cup of coffee and i'll be dancing on my couch like a twelve year old who just figured out they're growing up. Remeber that episode of My So Called Life, where the beginning starts off with the girl dancing to Blister in the Sun on her bed? Oh yeah, I'm almost there. Especially after Teenage Dirtbag is done turning itself from CD to MP3.
So let's talk about horrible music that you secretly love. Come on, you know you love one of those horrible "punk" radio songs!!! My current secret fetish is...... Butterfly by Crazy Town. Go ahead laugh, but i can sing you the entire song, complete with back ups. And I can't get enough of Teenage Dirtbag. I need to hear it more. See, these are the "love" songs I want a boy to write for me. Fuck that "oh you're so beautiful, be with me forever." Give me something synical and sarcastic and funny and i'll swoon at your feet. Also, sometimes you just need something silly for your day. Too many sad bastard songs, or pretentious artsy songs, or emo tears will just bore you to death. Every now and then you need a song about Pantera Fans In Love.
there are times for being dumb, this must be one of them, i'd like to know what's so wrong with a stupid, happy song? it says many things in it's nothingnessJawbreaker
So....
Top Five Crappy Fun Songs
1. Butterfly - Crazy Town
2. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
3. I Confess to All This Mess - Stereo
4. Courtney Love - Nerf Herder
5. Minority - Green Day

Single thoughts will never be made into novel. So I bring you this:
String You Along
Set foot into the world of an unknown mind.
The feeling that you feel the strongest of love.
Set life into a town I'd never been.
Came home because the depression set in.
Dumped and cheated, hey that's how it goes.
The other girl had psychotic intentions and I laughed.
Friendship is not without lust.
Current voicemail exchanges for lack of funds.

But hey, I feel excited about life going down.
Because I can't help but smile.
And I think I might go insane, but I'll dance my worries away.
Through you hands and do the emo dance.

Because evil girls can write what they want,
my ego tells me they'll never be as good as me.
And boys can break my heart,
because my heart tells me it's all worth it.

So do a little foot tapping to the tune of cheesy pop songs with me.
And smile a smile you haven't smiled in awhile.
Happy are we, cheated out of life, but the rainbows aren't too far away.
and storms end at the fall of a day.
Happy singing and dancing to the cheesy songs about "Electric Pink" in the cheeks.
(written while listening to Electric Pink by Promise Ring)

Later kids!!
Christine
Butterflies Float Above my homepage full of fun goodies... oh yeah!

2001-03-14T10:45:00.000-06:00

10.58am
Top Story
Didn't I say I was never drinking again? Blah, I feel like crap today. Too much wine and vodka (thanks alot rob, grrr.) I have a really bad headache, tummy ache, and i still feel woozy... woe is me...

that's all for now kids...
christine

2001-03-13T03:34:00.000-06:00

3.26am
Top Story
Still haven't thought of a column and i'm the one who's supposed to be pushing this zine...

Went to a friend's band practice tonight, Quarterturn... It's really cool to see your friend's art evolve. I remember when Pat (the singer/guitarist) didn't have the guts to get close to the mic, because he was so scared of it and now he's all ego. hehehe. Seriously though, it's really an amazing thing to see. To see them start off, unsure, mediocre and then one day realize, "wow, they've gotten really good." It's this bursting pride for your friends, you want to show them off to everyone! hehe

Top Five Songs - Musicals (movie and stage)
1. Light My Candle - Rent
2. What's This? - Nightmare Before Christmas
3. America - West Side Story
4. Pinball - Tommy
5. Rainbow Tour - Evita

OK, i'm going to write a column, damnit...

later kids!
Christine
Butterflies Float Above
Nameless Shameless - fictional diary
Blue Collar Send Me Away - journal of moving

2001-03-12T17:44:00.000-06:00

Top Story
Christine Sucks!

I missed my damn interview, because i was so tired i thought "i'll take an hour nap." HA! I didn't wake up until 10am. Damnit. I sent more resumes out today. This is getting tiresome. Why won't someone just hire me?!?!

Well, i'm off to hang out with some friends... and try to write my column for Mike's Zine - Eject...

Wish me luck...

The full download of top five and links later tonight...
HAVE SOME FUN KIDS!

Christine

2001-03-12T04:47:00.000-06:00

4.12am
Top Story
Christine is in a great mood, but has to stay up all night now, because she has passed the "two hour nap" mode... have to wake soon, so I'll just stay up...

So since I'm up... Let's recap some bands you should check, which i may have already mentioned a million times... or haven't at all...

In no particular order at all... also with a weak attempt at what they sound like...

Boys Like To Scare You - emo pop... i don't just recommend them because they're my friends, i really do dig them alot...
Manplanet - recommended by some Albuquerque kids... I downloaded some of their songs and they're so rad... they're fun / pop / punk / new wave / space rock... hehehe... it's like Nerf Herder with a keyboard addicted to space age... Skylab is my favorite... But I, Robot rocks too.. well they all do..
Elbow - some kid from the live journal group recommended this one... they're sort of in the Beta Band - Belle and Sebastian "sad bastard music" group... I like 'em alot... "Any Day Now" is my favorite...
Silver Scooter - just hit their bands link and their you'll find silver scooter... emo, emo, emo pop... my favorites are Pumpkin Eyes and Goodbye
Cursive - hardcore emo? hehehe... not sure actually... i have two of their albums, that i just recently got, went to see them in january, i can say, they're up there on my all time favorite bands...
The Need - new wave indie rock with an edge? i told you i'm bad at this... just check them out... my favorite is Dear Diary
Sean Na Na - OK, this is definately pop... but not that suck pop... this is what pop music should sound like... Plus the singer is also Har Mar Superstar - one of the funnest shows i've been too, ever... Unicorns is my favorite
Ted Leo - I got addicted to him when Kieran introduced me to his old band, Chisel... he's also pop, but again, not bubblegum pop... Under the Hedge is my favorite..

I guess that's all bands for now...

Here are some cool Online Journals I've found...
you cannot spell "generic" without eric
AngryNerd
Nicole Lynn
Apt.103
bitterBLOG

2001-03-12T03:34:00.000-06:00

3.46am
Well maybe Christine (me) should have a little more faith in her ex. I just checked my voice mail and there was a message from him... Just when i thought things got at their worst... They got better... alot better... miracously intensely, joyously better!! - i'm back to gigglying again.. which is good... hehehehe...

this boy told me that in order to see rainbows you have to stand in the storm...
the rainbow is very pretty tonight and worth the storm...

i can't help by smile...

it's nice to feel happy for once... and i'm happy...

have a nice night kids...
christine

2001-03-12T02:34:00.000-06:00

2.31am
Top Story
When will this day end?

I've heard people say, "i'm having a tall day." or "i'm having a fat day." or "i'm having a ditzy day." Well, kids, i'm having a Carlos day. Joy. Rapture. Fuck this day. I woke up after a nice happy dream of him. That should be good right? Not when you wake up alone, it's not. So, instead of sleeping the day away like i normally do when my mind wanders to him, I woke up and went online. Jenn was there and I thought "yay!", you see because Jenn always brightens my day somehow. But not today. Not that she was out to ruin it, with these kind of days, bad things just fall into place. She asked if I had heard from Carlos. I replied 'no' then she went to say that he probably moved with mic by now, because she hadn't seen him in awhile. Great. Fucking just great. My ex, my first love, the burden of my sadness, the one who still creeps into my dreams is probably living in portland with some 17yr. old. Not something I wanted to think about. So I decided to give sleep a try again. And asleep I went. And woke up once again after an even nicer dream of me and him. So I decided to occupy my mind by taking on the great task of labeling mystery tapes. I have a whole box of audio tapes with no label on them and i have no clue what they are. About half way through the tears emerged. The particular tape I had pulled out for my listening curiousity was a tape Carlos made while I was living in Albuquerque. It was him playing his guitar. I remember that night exactly. It was one of really good nights. Those nights that nothing could ever replace. I just couldn't get away from the boy today. So back to sleep i went. And I slept and I slept. Woke up, showered to get ready for a night of coffee with my friends. "Hey, be there in ten minutes." Diane called. Good, I needed out. But within minutes that all changed. As I was moving my brother's amp I hit the shelf, making it jump and off the shelf flew a package of pictures. And just so happens that out of literally hundreds of packages of pictures in that room, the one to fall and let each picture fly out landing face up for my view, was the pictures of Carlos and I. One in particular falling in my hands, the one of us kissing. I called up Diane and let her know I was leaving the house. By this point, I had given up. I was going to have a Carlos Day no matter what. I spent the rest of the night fighting off depression and crying. Feeling that intense pain that I had thought dissapeared. And now here I am, checking my email in hopes of one measily letter from him, but nothing.

And I know someone will read this and get a kick out of my pain. They'll smile at my tears. And take joy in my depression. They'll show their friends and add some story to it. So here it is, post it in your journal, do what you want, I'm in intense pain and if you can laugh at it, at least somebody can fucking laugh.

I'm out.
Oh, yeah, a Top Five...
Top Five Things I Want From a Love
1. smiles
2. holding hands
3. teaching and learning
4. unquestionalbe trust
5. forever

Christine
Butterflies Float Above my pretty fun homepages
Nameless Shameless a Fictional Diary
Blue Collar Send Me Away Journal of moving out of the suburbs

2001-03-10T16:30:00.000-06:00

"well others will take it all and leave you wanting, i know you've done this before to them, but here's where it ends and where i stand, you say you can't hold yourself back, well i have got your safety net in my hands."
Under the Hedge - Ted Leo

Top Story
The boy from 764-HERO's merch table is really pretty.

Went to see Tim Kinsella and 764-HERO on Friday. That was some fun. It was pretty hard to hear indie rock's most pretentious son, but none the less I stood up front to hear him do a medley of Joan of Arc songs and then hear him go on about how he is a god. A god, no less. Hey, so it goes... 764-HERO was great as usual. They played alot of their album, which was fine with me, becuase it's what i've been addicted to lately. This all took place at my favorite bar, The Empty Bottle.

Last night the benefit for Beanie went great - $2300 was raised, how rad is that? Our friends rule!

"there are times for being dumb, this must be one of them, I'd like to know what's wrong with a stupid happy song?" Indictment - Jawbreaker

I finally finished the book i've been talking about again and again... Roadkill by Kinky Friedman. A kansas city friend suggest the book to me and since i'm always up for somethign new and his opinions are ones i value, I went out and bought the book. He told me that I wouldn't be able to put it down, but my snobby views of books had thought otherwise, since the book is located in the Mystery Section (oh horror of horrors)... So I started. And it was a slow start at first, I was also finishing up the Frances Farmer biography and reading Subterreneans (the spelling is wrong i know) by Kerouac. But eventually as the book went, my attention was more grasped and yes, I became addicted, I even put aside my beloved hero - kerouac - to finish this hilarious mystery. It's not like your fucking stupid Grisham shit. It's a very sarcastic type of humor and involves the main character - Kinky - on the road with Willie Nelson. It's not your Kerouac or Dickens (although I think Dickens is shit, but you get my example of classic writing) but it's definately something worth picking up.

I am now starting a Tom Clancy book based on the recommendation of my friend Adam... I have this really bad bias against this writer, just because well, didn't he write some of those horrible war films? Well, I'm going to see how this goes anyhow... And seeing as I got past my Friedman bias, perhaps Clancy isn't as bad as the elitist fucks think he is... I'll let you know...

Top Five
Top Five Songs to Make you really Happy On A Really Nice March Day
1. Resistance is Futile - Jets to Brazil
2. If You Want To - Draco
3. Sleepwalking - Modest Mouse
4. Kim the Waitress - Material Issue
5. Better Than This - Manplanet

On the local band news...
There's this really cool kid, Nick, he's Wisdumb... Very intelligent shit... If you want to hear something by him, let me know and we could get you a tape... or just email nick at schlumpka15@aol.com
Also Boys Like To Scare You has been doing alot of shows... email boyslike2@aol.com - Eli - to know when and where they play.. They're really fun emo/pop... a good time...

Well I should get going... Have to do some cleaning and I have a need to hear some Satifact and dance around in my room...

Have a fun weekend all!!!

Christine
Butterflies Float Above My beloved homepage
Blue Collar Send Away a journal about moving
Nameless Shameless - Fictional Diary

2001-03-09T02:20:00.000-06:00

2.16am
Top Story
I'm tired... the only night i'm actually tired and i have to get up early... how is this possible?

So, i haven't heard from a friend in two weeks... the same one who I wrote about him saying he doesn't ditch me out when he has a girlfriend, let me tell you, once she's gone, he'll remember i exist... it's not fair... you know maybe i won't be here when he decides to call... wait, i need my shit back, damnit!!!

ah, fuck it... i'm way too tired to do this tonight...

a top five?
Top Five Songs that Popped Into My Head Right Now (because i'm too tired to think of a subject)
1. Fire and Rain - James Taylor
2. Hated Because of Great Qualities - Blonde Redhead
3. The House Shook - Hey Mercedes
4. Crush - Sarge
5. Fast Girls - Sarge

night all...
Christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-03-08T14:48:00.000-06:00

3.01pm
Top Story
Being a girl sucks. That's all.

2001-03-08T02:30:00.000-06:00

"if you're listening, sing it back, i'm still running away, i won't play your hide and seek game."
a nice little line for a not so nice ex.
Top Story
I'm out of cigarettes. I should quit. But I probably won't.

I was talking to Adam online tonight and he gave me this link to a religion test. "don't take it seriously" he said... So why is it still riding my mind? Well I tell you what it said... It said I am mostly Theravada Buddhism (100) and Mahayana Buddhism (98)... Which when I read what they mean, are almost the same... A basically and in short it said that I believed only humans and not gods were reincarnated - true, i do believe that. And all about Enlightenment and Nirvana. I'd go more into to, but i'm still trying to figure it out. But ironically it gave protestant only 50 for me - which is the basis to my religion... I don't label myself one permant religion. I hold a bundle of beliefs from a lot. I believe in God and the Holy Trinity. But I do not believe in organized religion as it has become today. I do not believe the egos most Christians have taken on. I also believe in some sort of reincarnation. I believe that when you die, your soul goes onto another life being born. But you're just not made up of one past soul, but a mixture... But I didn't come to this from religion, I came to this because of dreams i've had, extremely close sympathy for certain documentaries and visions that my therapist had explained away as hallucinations. I will explain more of this tomorrow, but i must warn you, most people i tell this to looks at like a psycho - never said I wasn't....

I think I just figured out what I'm going to write for my column...

I watched the Behind the Music on Willie Nelson tonight, thanks to my curiousity from that book, Roadkill I'm reading... I used to just dislike the guy's music, but, here it is... I kind of dig it... It's the old country music that I dig the most (like johnny cash or hank williams sr.)... Thanks for the reading suggestion, Eric.

I have a new blog... it's about the fun (sarcasm and truth) of trying to move the hell out of here, with my friend Rob... it's at... Blue Collar Send Me Away

Well, i'm out for now...
I leave you with not one, not two, but three top fives...

have some fun out there!
Christine
Butterflies Float Above
Nameless Shameless (a fictional journal i'm working on)

THREE TOP FIVES TONIGHT, WOOHOO!
Top Five Songs Christine is Currently Addicted To
***Warning*** One or more of these songs may be really bad songs... but hey, addiction was never a pretty thing...
In Order from most addicted to, to least addicted.
1. Butterfly - Crazy Town (yeah, yeah, but this song is cute, i want some boy to call me his "butterfly"
2. Goodbye - Silver Scooter (I love those Austin emo boys)
3. Give - Suicide Machines (woe is, the memories!! I miss punk rock Brian and Steve!! or as the girl's know them, "multi" and "green"... hehe)
4. Skylab - Manplanet (I can't tell you how much i dig these guys, thanks Carlos and Jenn!!)
5. Mockhouse - Wolfie (what a cute song)

Ok, the next two Top Five categories go hand in hand...
Top Five Happy Songs That Remind Me of Albuquerque
1. Oh! Ranger - Judy Brown (albuquerque boys making it fun... and drives with Jenn to *random* apartment complexes... heehehe, oh we were such girls...)
2. Polyester Bride - Liz Phair (i remember listening to this as I was walking by myself downtown and enjoying the simplicity and quietness on a Saturday afternoon... that would never happen here...)
3. Shady Lane - Pavement (hanging out with Jenn at her house and dancing in her kitchen...)
4. Letter of Resignation - The Weakerthans (I saw these cats in Albuquerque and had been waiting all summer for this show, it was one of my happiest nights in albuquerque, i had so much fun and they played this song, which is my favorite, second to Left and Leaving)
5. A Love Song - Cure (well... the exact reason is too personal, for you... but it's reminiscent of Carlos)

Part Deux
Top Five Sad/Mean Songs that Remind Me of Albuquerque
1. Take Our Cars Now! - Saves the Day (it's the album that was playing - this song particular sticks out - when after a huge fight about carlos cheating on me, and him denying it, then ditching me out for the girl...)
2. Far Away - Carol King (I missed my friends so much when I was there...)
3. Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans (this is more when I was leaving... I heard them play this song and I knew this would be how I felt when I moved back home... and it was...)
4. Some Teenage Reason - Boys Like to Scare You (i'd play this over and over, as a sign to carlos... plus it's Eli's band... and i missed him alot)
5. American Girl - The Promise Ring (this was playing when Bryn and I got into an unneeded (and provoked by carlos, no less) fight, which ended in him moving out, me moving home and carlos and aaron losing the house...

If we take note, we realize most of good songs are memories of Jenn and most of bad songs are memory of Carlos... hehehehe... oh the irony of it all...

2001-03-06T20:00:00.000-06:00

7.34pm
Top Story
Christine has a interview, woohoo!

Well, it's time to actually get things done now... The Zine is going on it's second issue - Eject - if you're cool, you'll pick it up when it's finished... Well, if you're reading this, then obviously you're cool... hehehe...

Well this had to be short.. I need to go work on my column and get a list of interview questions together...

have some fun out there!!!

My recommendation for the night::
Boys aren't so bad.

I'll finish this later tonight!! bye!!
christine

2001-03-06T03:43:00.000-06:00

3.14am
Soundtrack:: MP3 Player - "rad" list
Top Story
(pumpkin eyes - silver scooter)
I'm sick... Woe is me...

A friend of mine has fallen in love and is moving soon. I'm really happy for him, but at the same time extremely jealous. Or maybe envious is the word. What's the difference? No matter. Point is, is that I miss that feeling that I see in his eyes. That complete happiness and empowerment. Feeling like nothing else matters but the person you love. And nothing, not a person, a situation, a place, nothing will get in the way of that. I miss that dreamy feeling of reality being non-existant. I guess I miss being in love.

(song change:: Crush - Sarge)
I've just spent three hours going over job ads and apartment ads. My eyes are tired, I can't stop sneezing and I ran out of coffee and am too tired to make more. I'm in a very complaintive (if it's not a word, don't bother in telling me, i don't really care) mood. Blah and Grrr.

I haven't heard from someone in some time. Funny, because we had this big discussion on friendship and the value of maintaining it. I pointed out to this boy that every time he gets a new girlfriend I become non-existant in his life. In which he (of course) argued that wasn't true. He has a new girlfriend and I have yet to hear from him. Who's right this time musician boy? Maybe Liz Phair had more going than a lyric line when she sings, "...it's harder to be friends than lovers. And you shouldn't try to mix the two, because if you do it and you're still unhappy, then you know that the problem is you." I don't know, it just pisses me off, because I'm always here for him. He knows that and takes high advantage of this open invitation. But if I needed him, he wouldn't be able to be found. Tell me again, how that's fair and how that's a give and take friendship? And is it my fault for being a fool or his fault for being a jerk?

(song change:: Goodbye - Silver Scooter)
"So when I move to the big city, I'll feel the concrete stuck on my feet. So when I move to the big sky country, i'll messing around with my feelings and my friend's feelings, 'cuz i'm know i'm not original or even typical, i'm not synical, i let that fall by the wasteside, Bye, bye."

(song change:: None of the Above - The Weakerthans)
I did alot of writing today, but it's all crap, so it's a pretty useless day.

"Tell me why I have to miss you so, tell me why we sound so lame, while we communicate in questions and all our answers sound the same"

(song change:: Never Ending Math Equation - Modest Mouse)
"I'm the same as I was when I was six years and oh my god I feel so damn old, I don't really feel anything."
The characters on Reality Bites lead you to believe they are 23yrs. old. They freak out about life, love, friends had this complete twisted drama and yet at the end, it's all happy. The guy gets the girl and the friends stay friends. Why can't life be like this? And more importantly, Should I be freaking out about life right now?
Maybe I should just stop watching this movie once a week, I'm starting to loose touch with reality and movie life. Movie life just seem so much more pleasent.

(song change:: We Must Move Backward to Progress - The Lapse)
Or books. Books are easier to loose yourself rather than movies. Movies last about an hour and half tops and require little to no imagination. It's so much easier to get lost in thoughts and areas of the mind when reading. Eventhough you're eyes are open and you're taking in words and sentences, what you really see in front of you is the setting and characters the author offers up for entertainment. Movies take away from this. I guess this is why I like very few movies. And am more kind of a book geek.

Top Five For the Day
(for Monday that is)
Well yesterday I did top five saddest songs ever... But being in the very sad, broken hearted, lonely depressed mood I am... Today we'll do:
Top Five Love Songs that Make You Cry because You Are Lonely
1. Pure - Lightening Seeds (which is also just come on for a song change)
2. The Way You Do the Things You Do - The Temptations
3. Black in the Eye - Rainer Maria
4. Softer - Jimmy Eat World
5. I'll Catch You - The Get Up Kids

The song has changed on my good ol Mp3 player again... And this is the song that best fits today's mood...
Here With Me - Dido

night all....
Christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-03-04T22:44:00.000-06:00

10.45pm

The Links Issue...

Top Story
Punk bands covering cheesy songs rocks more than Neil Diamond giving you a private concert singing Carpenter songs... (listening to Lagwagon - Cheers Theme song)

So I was updating my website and after an hour into the thing, AOL kicks me off, losing all my damn updates!! Stupid, stupid computer.

Things I learned from drinking too much wine and spending too much money in Chicago at Manda's house on Saturday night:
1. Don't drink two bottles of wine and then a bunch of white russians. It's no good for your stomach.
2. Don't let your friends email boys, you'll regret it in the morning.
3. Never allow yourself to email or call your ex. If you're drunk, most likely, you hate him and you'll ending up sending or saying some shitty, shitty things.
4. Don't trust a bunch of drunk people to get to a place without getting lost.
5. Army of Darkness is a rad, rad movie.
6. I want to marry the character, Rob, from High Fidelity.
7. Don't play a drinking game after drinking two bottles of wine.
8. Never let Rob by himself when he's been drinking.
9. Hugs are so much easier to give when you're drunk.
10. Make sure you save enough money for coffee in the morning.
AND THE LAST:
Never drink two bottles of wine!!! hehehehe...

So, they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And the way to a girl's heart is through cheesy romantic acts. BUT if you want to win me over, TAKE ME TO SEE THE DAMN MOVIE!! (if you're not keeping up, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) I'm getting angry over here, you know. I'm now making a rule, as long as that movie is playing, i will not go out on a date, go out to the movies with friends, unless someone takes me to that movie, damnit.

Things That Use To Be Rad
Why do things change? I mean there are bands, tv shows, friends, authors, ect. that USED to be cool, but now suck ass. Here are things that I think suck now, but used to be really rad.
1. Suicide Machines - after Battle Hymns they traveled down, "Suckage Hill"
2. The Queers - Love Songs for the Retarded was a rad rad album. Then Joe Queer got older... But his songs still stayed the same... How boring is that? I mean come on now, when you're forty talking about getting drunk and making out, the music gets old.
3. Saturday morning cartoons - Do they even exist anymore?!?!?!
4. Thrift Stores - What happened to paying 80 cents for a pair of pants? Now these money hungry bitches call it "Vintage" and charge 80 bucks... Where's the sense in that?
5. The Park - remember when you used to go to the park as a kid? And play on all the equipment? Then as you got older you went to the park to get drunk. Now even older you want to go to the park to play again. But we all know in most parks there's a problem. Broken bottles, used condemns, cigarette butts all over, broken equipment. Growing up sucks.

TOP FIVE FOR THE DAY
Top five saddest most depressing songs in my opinion
We had this discussion at Pick Me Up tonight. For a song to be extremely sad, it has to hit you on a personal basis, so what makes you sad, may not make the next person sad. For example. My best friend, Justine's saddest song is "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas. Mary's is some Grateful Dead song about Phil Lesh's dad that died. So here are mine with no explanation and in no order. Which of course could change with the day.

1. LA Song - Beth Hart
2. Pumpkin Eyes - Silver Scooter
3. A Picture Postcard - Promise Ring
4. Left and Leaving - Weakerthans
5. Teach Your Children - Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

Ok, that's all for now, folks...

Christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-03-02T07:31:00.000-06:00

7.31am
Top Story
If you have a crush on someone, tell them. Otherwise you'll never know. And if you're waiting for that person to tell you, they probably are just as scared, so that's useless.

That being said, I should probably listen to my own advice, right? Yeah right, Manda, not happening.

Pokeman was just on. Yeah, was up in time to watch it!! High fives all around.

It's 7.43 in the morning... Pokeman is over... I'm going back to bed...

2001-03-01T01:37:00.000-06:00

12.05am
Top Story
Sorry to make this more personal than none, but...
Well I talked to my friend, that I wrote that cheating thing for... It wasn't for my friend's sister, i'm sure she knows what she's doing, i don't even know... But I wrote it for another friend who was thinking about being "the other girl" and she read and gave me a call... I guess she knows me pretty well to read into what i'm really meaning when i write... and i'm not sure if she is going to go ahead and be "the other girl"... but at least it made her think before she acted...

My mind is starting to clear up... that's nice... it's nice to think easily... hehehe..

oh man, i think i'm just tired...
I have a long day ahead of me... A long weekend of fun...

ok, i'll write more tomorrow...

I just wanted to say, to my friend, thanks for listening to me... and hearing another girl's side of the story...

i'm out...
christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-02-28T10:44:00.000-06:00

9.54am

Top Story:
Who sleeps all night in a cake made of strawberry? Wakes up right in a cake made of strawberry? Living right in a cake made of strawberry? Strawberry Shortcake, wouldn't you know?

I went out with my friend yesterday, she was telling me how her sister is trying to break up this guy's relationship, so she can move in... Why do people do that? I mean for someone to be the "other girl" or "other guy", well, they lack all humanity and sincereity as a person... They lose all right to be seen as a caring person... I just don't get it... Even if the person that you're hurting is a stranger, why would you want to cause so much pain on a person? I mean, if you've never been cheated on, trust me... It's worse than losing a love (well, probalby not worse than losing a love to death, but being dumped) It doesn't compare to a falling out with a friend... It's one of the worst literally and emotionally pains you can experience, probably right underneath death of a loved one... It not only destroys the relationship you have, but also yourself... You have a constant fight within yourself to either just let the bitterness dwell and lose trust for everyone, or to remain who you are and let it pass and move on... Either one you choose, it's still a battle.. if you want the bitterness the true self tries so hard to shine through and if you want to remain who you are the bitterness slowly seeps in...
So why, would you want to be that person who causes such a complete emotional breakdown in another? Are you that hard up for a partner? Are you that pathetic that you can't find your own mate that isn't already with someone?
I just don't get it...
I guess all I can say is what comes around goes around right? I mean, karma comes back for you in the end... and i'm happy to say that although, i do admit, i'm a little broken... i'd rather move on than let bitterness and revenge seep through...
so, i slowly try to move on... it's been five months and it's not easy... but i'm doing pretty damn good...
i hope anyone who thinks of being the "other person" will think twice about committing such a horrendous act... and those that are the victims of such harsh souls... it gets better... trust me...

Have you ever wondered when you stopped believing in Unicorns and Faeries? I mean everyone at one point realizes that that point in their life has passed... But just when did the world taint your childish giggles with the truth of what is and what is not? And are they really fiction? Or do you just blindly believe they are...

"Forever always seems to be around when things begin, but forever never seems to be around when it ends"

tha'ts all for now..
Christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-02-28T01:46:00.000-06:00

"thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love then ignore
put out and put away
and so you'd soon be leaving me along like i'm supposed to be tonight,
tomorrow and everyday
there's nothing here that you'll miss
i can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke
trying to occupy space
what a fucking joke
what a fucking joke
i waited for a bus to separate the both of us and take me off far away
from you 'cos my feelings never change a bit i always feel like shit i
don't know why i guess that i "just do"
you once talked to me about love and you painted pictures of
a never-neverland and i could've gone to that place
but i didn't understand
i didn't understand
i didn't understand"
Elliot Smith...
ok, now i'm done with the sad thoughts...

2001-02-28T01:37:00.000-06:00

"well it took alot of work to be the ass that i am, and i'm really damn sure that anyone can equally, easily fuck you over."

oh yeah... modest mouse...

Here's a cheesy (but one i f-ing love) for you
"i thought i saw a man bought to live, he was warm, he came around he was dignified, he showed me what it was to cry. when you couldnt 'be that man i adored, you don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for, i don't know him anymore. there's nothing where you used to lie, conversation has run dry, that's what's going on, nothing's fine i'm torn! i'm all out of faith, this is how i feel, i'm cold and i am shamed, lying naked on the floor, illusion never changed into something rule, i'm wide awake and i can see the perfect sky is torn, you're a little late, i'm already torn."
good song... well, not "good"... good for a certain feeling about a certain person you may have in your life... and i do...
so it goes, no?

I miss my WeakerthansWeakerthans CD... thank god for my mp3 player...

if you want to hear a good band... check out the weakerthans - left and leaving... in fact the song left and leaving is one of the best songs i've heard in a very long time...
"My city's still breathing (but barely it's true) through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, all sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know. They never take me anywhere but here. Those stains in the carpet, this drink in my hand, these strangers whose faces I know. We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way" and wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are. All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving. Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: some matches, a blanket, this pain in my chest, the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires, and every birthday card I threw away. I wait in 4/4 time. Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home."
it's a song, that will always be the part in the soundtrack to my life, when i left albuquerque... especially that last line... but i guess, ah, nevermind... i don't feel like thinking about stupid stuff and getting all sad...

crickets... did you know they can kill people when they swarm? i didn't... i'm now creeped out by them...

and roaches, you'd think after my bit time in Albuquerque i'd be used to them... nope, i hate them even more now... fuck roaches...

"how i don't' know what i should do with my hands when i talk to you, how you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands... the rhetoric and treason, of saying that i miss you, of saying hey well maybe you should stay... " Pamphleteer - Weakerthans...
My MP3 Player - on random - likes the Weakerthans tonight, i think it wants me to be woeful, damn thing... hehe...

Pennywise's version of "I Get Around" (by the Beach Boys) is f-ing rad!! yeah! hehehe...

ok, i'm babbling... i'll go for now...
have some fun out there!

christine
Butterflies Float Above

2001-02-26T12:19:00.000-06:00

Ok, my playlist on my MP3 player has reached over 3GB... what does this mean? I have a hell of alot MP3s... I NEED MONEY TO GO BUY THESE CDS, DAMNIT! Anyone willing to buy me the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon soundtrack, email me at butterfliesfloatabove@hotmail.com, to get my info... hehe... EVEN BETTER - i need to see that movie!! Does no one hear my pleas? I have seen the Gift, Valentine, Traffic all those crappy movies, who will sacrifice to see my movie!?!?!

that's all... bye for now!
Butterflies Float Above

2001-02-26T11:44:00.000-06:00

11.20am

Ok, I don't think I have written about this. I know I can speak for my three best friends (the girls, not the boys) that Coffee House Kids are fucking lame! In the immortal words of Jo "some people in this world just aren't cool." Now don't get all crazy, we're not snobs... Well, we try not to be, but nonetheless let me explain. Ok, so you go to the Coffee House of your choice for open mic. You grab your favorite coffee and a table. The first act goes on. Poetry. I bet you fifty bucks that, the first poetry reading is some kid who's barely 15 talking about how dark and depressing his life is. He's probably a borderline goth. (ALSO real goth kids, don't talk like those posers nor do they tramp around like them... they're pretty introverted and do not walk around talking about "spells and magic" and "death and i'm so dark"... i'm talking about the posers in my borderline reference) And most likely he can't read worth a shit. It's monotone and killing your will to live. I'm not trying to down anyone's writing, but come on now, when you read the same dark poems every week for a year, don't you think it's time for something new and brighter? I mean, not even I have a notebook full of poems and prose about asshole guys.... I have a few nice ones here and there. Ok, now after our Kurt Cobain wannabe comes on, comes the girl. Pretty voice. Acoustic guitar. And what does she sing? I assure you it will be a choice song from one or all of the following: Jewel, Tori Amos, and Ani Difranco... And one girl during the night, every night, WILL cover - "What if God was one of us"... Now after them comes your more professional coffee house acts... hehehe, professional is a term i use loosely... they'll cover the normal neo coffee house songs - Dave Matthews, Barenakedladies, Phish... you get the idea... If I hear some two-bit band-wannabe cover "If I Had a Million Dollars" one more time, I'm going to stab my ears with those wooden coffee stirrers...
Here's some advice, if you must go to a coffee house and play covers... do everyone a favor and stick to the good old tunes... Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Simon and Garfunkel, Beatles... something everyone can sing to... covers are not meant to show off, they're meant to be sing alongs... If you're a little more risky, why don't you try some Phil Ochs or even, some modest mouse... I would LOVE to see a girl get up there and crack out some Liz Phair - Divorce Song... Or some Built to Spilll... hey if you feel the need to stay true to your gender, why don't you check out some sleater-kinney, sarge, Kristen Hersh... they have some rad acoustics you can cover... And if you're going to read some poetry, trust me, EVERYONE IS SICK OF THAT DEPRESSING DRONING "MY LIFE IS SO HARD" SHITE... I'm not saying you can't write when you're down, but everyone likes to laugh and a little sarcastic bite will liven up any "goth of the night" poem...
If this madness of horrible coffee house entertainment doesn't end, I might have to go up there and tell you all what puds you're being...
Thank you have a nice day.

This Chaotic Life

2001-02-26T07:25:00.000-06:00

7.09am
Well I got some sleep and feel lots better about alot...

I need to go the Avail / Propagandhi show!! But my dumb self did not get tickets and although they have moved the show to fit more people in, they have 400 tickets and you have to show up the day of and hope you get in... I hope I get in... Please let me get in... hehehe... On the shows note... JETS TO BRAZIL IS COMING MAY 14TH! YEAH, BABY!!! Also, i think the indie gods heard my pleas, because I missed Shipping News this month, BUT, they'll be back on April, oh yeah... Not to mention 764-HERO, both Kinsellas, and so on and so on... If you go to Chicago Area shows, check out my show schedule... Chicago Shows.

I am in need of new bands to listen to!! Help!! If you have some favorite bands that you feel like I need to hear, drop me some mail... butterfliesfloatabove@hotmail.com...

On the coffee with Rob news... (as there is always a big discussion of something or another)... Went out for coffee with the boy yesterday and we decided to put out a zine... stay tuned... Anyone wanting to contribute, have a demo for review, or whatever else, again, drop me an email... butterfliesfloatabove@hotmail.com...

Sorry to all my friends for being paranoid about things, you know who you guys are...

Rad things to check out...
1. Rockin Jenn She's one of my favoritest persons ever!!!
2. Still Life with Woodpecker - Tom Robbins... A rad, book. I have to check more out by him. But if you want a fucked up love story about a modern day princess and a fugitive and aliens all analyzed by a Camel Box... told you, it's out there... but it's so damn good... and funny...
3. Wanting some sad bastard music? Check out Low's new album, Things We Lost In a Fire.
4. Wondering where I stole my "sad bastard music" quote? Get off your ass for ten minutes, run out to the video store and rent one of my newer favorite movies High Fidelity. Starring John Cusack - need I say more? If you're insane and aren't in love with him like I am, it's a story about a man and his relationships.. Jack Black is funny as hell and the boy who plays Dick, well, actually The character Dick, is the shyest cutest boy ever, if he existed in real life, i'd marry him... this is also one of the few movies based on a novel that actually does the book justice... If you're more of a book person, It's by Nick Hornby...
5. I recently discovered Manplanet by the recommendations of Carlos and Jenn. This is a rad, rad band. New Wave fun. Oh yeah, check out I, Robot or Skylab, those are my favorites.
And Honorable Mention for the day (only because I mention this band lots) check out Boys Like To Scare You. A fun emo band from Chicago, IL... They are constantly playing shows in the area, but are planning a mini tour for the summer, look for them to play around you, it's worth it, trust me. (you can also hear for youself on the website, they have some mp3's up... Some Teenage Reason is my favorite)

I suppose that it's for now...
later skater... (speaking of skater - i need the Tony Hawk 2!!)

check out my homepage This Chaotic Life

2001-02-25T21:49:00.000-06:00

Go Visit This Chaotic Life (My Extensive HomePage)

2001-02-25T21:47:00.000-06:00

9.40pm

Top Story:
To have friends who will pick you up when you've fallen is the greatest gift of all. And sometimes, these friends exist when you don't even realize it.
I have a friend who seems to know when I'm ready to break down and he finds the time to grab a cup of coffee and talk nothing about what's wrong. Sometimes, you need to not talk about wha't wrong. Sometimes the rest of your friends have made you talk and talk and talk that you're just so tired of talking and it's the one friend who senses this, that makes you smile. Thank you.

My birthday turned out to be good. On the outside. My friends were great and I smiled the night away. But as boys tend to ruin things, I was not so happy... and the prose/poetry whatever the hell you want to call it, shows this.

Speaking of friends with no names, another friend recommended this book, "Roadkill" by Kinky Friedman. OK, we all what a pretentious elitist fuck I am, too much of a book snob to buy anything but Sci-Fi from the genre section of the bookstore, I was a little weary of picking up this book, since it's a Mystery, located in the "Mystery Section." I'm almost half way through and even not having finished it, I must say this book is f-ing great. It's funny as hell. And sometimes that just what you need, a break from the normal literary drone. I'm definately hooked. When I'm finished I'll write a little more on this book.

"Flashback of Albums"
Ok, I just made a mix tape for a friend, well, I make mix tapes everyday since I'm hooked on them, but this perticular mix tape. Well I put some Cursive, Grade, Hot Water Music, Jawbreaker, and Avail on it. Mainly because he wanted to check these bands out. Damn myself for not making a copy for myself. Because I forgot how f-ing rad these bands are. Seriously, if you get the chance these are my Album recommendations for the moment:
Cursive - Domestica
Grade - (ok, i forgot the name, fuck, uhh... any Grade will do)
Hot Water Music - No Division
Jawbreaker - 24 Hr. Revenge Therapy
Avail - Over the James
All these bands border the hard core / punk / emo edge. I dig 'em, I do.

I still haven't seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, it's now back at Showplace Theater (basically the only movie theater we all go to, because you get student discount, with an old college ID). So any of my friends reading this, I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MOVIE, DAMNIT! You know... just to let you know... :)

There are people that existed in my life for only a short period... and I miss them very much... why do things change? Why are people swayed by others? And why can't I find a nice boy who won't break my heart? So it goes... So it goes...

And now I'm heading off... for now...

"Happy Birthday To Me"

Single missed thoughts and wondered all night long
Happy Birthday to myself with tears I can not stop.
Twenty-four years and nothing to show
but a broken heart with pathetic loss and words mixed for more.
With my Miller Light, five too many,
And Lucky Strikes non-filter, I guess my friends dont' know me too well.
I sat outside on the stormy ground
and thought of pictures in my head of him and her and what they do.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me,
Unwilling to let go, so I tear up instead.
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Bithday to me,
Did you kiss her and hold her while I cried the night?

I should be getting in now, my hair is soaked with depression
The rain is harder than before and the wind knocked down my drink.
I hear the voices inside all laughing and smiling
Just pick myself up off the ground and pull the mask from my back pocket.
They'll think I am OK, because "i'm always fine."
It's easy to smile when you want to cry.
But the thoughts of her making love to you, just won't leave my mind.
So one more smoke to soothe my soul, won't hurt anyone but me.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me
You're touching and feeling and holding some other girl
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Bithday to me
She's only 17 with no thoughts, but you picked her over me.

maybe my next birthday will be better, and maybe my next birthday i'll be happy, and maybe my next birthday you won't be around in my mind and then maybe my next birthday will be just fine.

2001-02-24T13:49:00.000-06:00

1.52pm
Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me... I'm old...
blah...

I have issues trying to stand my ground...

and... i'm tired... sorry, once again, i'm cutting it short.. i will post later...

2001-02-21T19:45:00.000-06:00

7.53pm
Waiting for a friend to come pick me up and head into the City (chicago.)

Today I am less hyper as my last post. I am tired, emotionally and physically. I am tired of boys and their lies. I am tired of boys being too cute to pass up. And I am tired of me not protecting myself against boys. Did I say I was tired of boys? I am. No more. I am going on a sabatical. No boys for two years.

Ok, let's not get stupid, we all know that's not going to happen. But I am cutting the line to one boy. Sorry, you know who you are.

and so it goes...

2001-02-20T13:09:00.000-06:00

Because the rad, rad link didn't show up... go to (copy and paste) http://www.geocities.com/thischaoticlife/fun.html

2001-02-20T13:07:00.000-06:00

12.40pm - three cups of coffee more to go...
Listening to the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon soundtrack - a definite must pick up.
And now for my daily life news>>>
Top Story - My f-ing birthday is in four days - Buy me something!

I am thinking that life in the Region isn't so bad, once you get past the smog filled lungs and jocko and slum sluts (region rats) and see this place for what it really is. A vast land to drain every intelligent thought in your mind. That and we have lots of liquor stores here.

I had an nice weekend with my friends. Things I learned this weekend:
1. Competition is a fool's game.
2. Someone really needs to take me to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (good birthday gift, no?)
3. I'm addicted to martial arts movies (good birthday present to get me Twin Warriors, no?)
4. Going to see friend's bands and then screaming "The Bassist is hot" is lots of fun.
5. I'm incredibly boy crazy.
6. I'm not boy crazy in the slut fact, prime example being - instead of saying "i'd do him" I say "He's my boyfriend" or "I really want to marry him" Although, this does not include Blake from Jets to Brazil, because I am really going to marry him.
7. I'm a centimeter closer to trying ice skating again.
8. Holding grudges or being pissed at people just isn't worth it
9. Everyone is cute and dateable in their own way, you just have to give them a chance
10. I am rad! (ok, me and everyone in the world already knows this, just had to add it)

Top Fives and Things you should check out (My Rad, Rad list) Go here> Rad, Rad

A week or two ago, my friend Rob and I went out for coffee, we had this big discussion about Violence in the Media and we came to this: Marilyn Manson, Basketball Diaries, Rap, Punk, and all sorts of newer (read 90's to here) are being blamed for shootings, school killings and such. But um, have we forgotten the biggest violent scene of all? The scene in Nightmare on Elm Street when Johnny Depp gets sucked into his bed and a pool of blood covers his ceiling and entire room?!?!?! (who was the f-ing genius to come up with that? I dig it.) So yeah, violence in the media? Why don't you go f-ing take care of your kids and maybe you wouldn't have all this senseless shootings. Media isn't to blame. Oh yeah, and this whole deal with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon being way too violent, well refer back to the Nightmare on Elm Street scene, that was from the early eighties. America is not being desentisized, if anything we've gotten alot better since our Slasher Craze (which needs to be reborn - the feeble attempt at Valentine was a good try, but not good enough). So, go take your Right Wing bull elsewhere. Thanks.

Four cups of coffee and more to go...
Now listening to Low's new album - Things We Lost in a Fire

I need a job that will pay me lots of money and give me time to go to shows... There are so many coming...
And speaking of shows.
I went to see Pedro the Lion last Friday. The line up was Califone / Pedro the Lion / Low. All amazing bands. But let's face it. It was sad bastard music at the Metro. And three bands like that in a row can really kill your will to live. Why, oh why, would you set up a show like that? For the constancy in music? What happened to a little diversity to our shows these days? Have you ever had to sit through three very mellow, very depressing bands? Even if you're happily living your life, I assure you'll want to cry your night away and sit in a depressed state for days. How about mixing it up a bit? Shedding some life on shows? The perfect line up? Well I am glad you asked.
In order from last to play to first to play
Hot Water Music (fuck yeah!)
Jets to Brazil (did you even question yourself? hehe)
Low (despite the sad show on friday, they are a rad, rad band)
Ok, see how that worked? Build your audience up! Start out with a slow, mellow band, while the kids are just getting there... Then go into something a little more poppier to work then crowd up, then bust out with some all out rock... Another example would be:
Pantera
Creed
Dave Matthews Band
And I would suggest this line up, but all those bands (well, i have a secret fetish for dave matthews) suck my ass!!
But you get the idea...
Although, A complete rock show is not a bad idea... Just not too often... And you can still mix that up... Example you ask? Well thank you, I have one!
Avail (avail should always, always play last, they bring in a ton of kids and make the place completely insane, any band would be foolish to try and play after them)
Jawbreaker (oh the dream of them playing again - but would never happen, but hey this is a wish list, no?)
Fifteen (one of my favorite punk rock bands out there and to have existed)
Unwound (very guitary, very rad)
Oh man, if anyone can make this happen, even if you leave out Jawbreaker, I would buy you a flower... and be your best friend... (but you woudln't be able to be my maid of honor, because that's reserved - another story, another time)

I have a crush on this boy... but don't I always?!?!?!?! hehehehe....

If for some god awful reason I don't marry Blake from Jets to Brazil, I decided my fall back will be either John Cusak or Jet Li... I still have to weigh them out and decide...

And last before I leave (for now) as much as i completely love Winter (snow, i love snow) WHERE IS F-ING SPRING!?!?!?!

Oh yeah... and don't forget to go to the Rock Show Starring: Groovatron / The French Fence / Quarterturn / Myopia. February 24 (did i say that was my birthday? don't forget!) 8pm. It's a measily $5 and it's going to a very worth cause. It's at the Indiana Army & National Guard World Headquarters - 2530 173rd, Hammond, IN...
thanks
have a nice day...

2001-02-19T08:50:00.000-06:00

Well it's 2-19 8.54 in the morning... guess i haven't written on here in awhile... not much to add... My birthday is in five days - I'll be 24, one year away from death. Been seeing alot of my friend's bands lately. Yeah, not much to add. well... i don't know... here's something I wrote the other day....
"The Drive Home"

Drove home at four o'clock this morning. I stared out the window into the big city buildings and empty smog air and wondered what you were doing in your little hippie town. Something seemed to be missing but I looked around and all my friends were there so I wondered just what was that unfilled sigh within. Normally it's the streets of Chicago where I can be who I am without worries. It's these streets that let me think with a clear mind. The drive to and from is, on a usual basis, relaxing and all-consuming. But tonight it only placed my heart with melancholy, for some odd reason it only made me think of a boy 1400 miles away. A boy whom I thought to have placed into the friendship bin. And I wondered on the ride home, if I was to ever go through a day where I woulnd't think of him, and in lamen's terms - would i ever not love him? I find this highly doubtful but if loving him means to be lonely will I live through the year to come or will an empty heart kill my soul and leave me walking without mind? And perhaps I'm being too dramatic, but I was left there in a noisy car with only my thoughts audible, surrounding me, engulfing me and consuming any sanity I might have had. I think I will go sleep now.

alright, kids... i'm out for now...

2001-02-08T03:46:00.000-06:00

"A-OK in Kansas City"
And you think that things should be A-OK because you say so. But I think that the pain just won't fade. And you spoke of apologies but words can't cure cancer. Do you know the feeling of being used? Well let me explain it to you. It's a fools mind. A creation of arrogance of the user. You wanted me to be a friend. So I was. Then you wanted a goodnight, so I was. Then you wanted someone to fall for you. So I did. And then you wanted space and took it without asking. It was always about you and never what i wanted. But that's ok, because i'm always fine. If you think that this will break me, then i'm telling you, that boys like you have been around before. And i'm still alive.
My sadness is a picture in which you only play a part. I choose you to trust because it was you I thought that you would leave himself out of the picture. But it was you that expanded my canvas. And now i'm to be A-OK? "i guess you're as real as me, maybe i can live with that, maybe i need fantasy, life of chasing butterfly. i told you i would return when the robin makes his nest, i ain't never coming back. i'm sorry." (weezer)

3.50 am... i can't seem to find a happiness... or even a state of being content... i always seem to get lost in the drama of emotions and then i never realize what's going on... i'm 23yrs. old... yet i still run to music to ease my pain because the love i choose to have always lets me down... boy after boy... and i'm starting to forget how to trust... i'm not saying that i'm always right or in any means the good one... but just once it would be nice to have a love and be happy... to not have to run to music, but to run to love... and for once i'd like to smile without force... just once...
but this self pity is getting me nowhere and the more i type the more i fall, so i'll end it for tonight...

2001-02-01T18:02:00.000-06:00

Six Pm....

I have no job. Oh well so it goes. So my new goal is to find a job and move the hell out of my house. "That's the dream of the nineties" (or something like that - Reality Bites (go watch the movie). Talked to my ex yesterday. That went fairly well - it's so much easier to hate him when things don't go so well. Misery loves company. And speaking of. Haven't had the misery of company lately. So it goes. I haven't written on here in awhile, just because, well, just because. The friend comes home this weekend. One of them. All this update on me just seems a little banal for writing. So I am off. "May the force be with you"

2001-01-21T17:44:00.000-06:00

5.40pm. Weariness from a goaless job. Takes more than you think it would. Makes you overthink, over analyze your life. Makes you change for only a moment your ideals and feelings of society. You're ready to give up. You're to give in. You're ready to just lie down and die. But I have to say this. It's quite simple. Take a short nap. Wake up and then start what you're moving on to. You don't have to work that job for the rest of your life. But you definately don't have to give in. You don't have to get a 9-5, marry, two kids, die. I don't care how much older you get and what realizations you're to have. You don't have to to do this. But not giving into this "normal" life. Well it's a line between living a harder life than you need and living an unhappy life. Don't fall off the balance beam. But don't give up. Christine

2001-01-20T01:07:00.000-06:00

1.09 AM. Just got back from a drive with a friend who I haven't seen in awhile. Plans are to move into the City. Man. I'm too tired for this right now. Sorry... I'll update in a few, after a nap. Christine

2001-01-17T12:57:00.000-06:00

Fifty four minutes after Noon.
Severed ties can not be glued back together, they'll always have that cut in them. No use pretending. I just don't see you as I used to. So don't go chasing round my door. Your calls can be misplaced. You once said it was to be forever. But forever never existed and today I am fine with that. Songs tell me that it's all ok, no human contact can ever give me that comfort. The snow is melting and summer is returning soon. Only a few months. Half a year. But what is a half a year when the years start to mesh together? Butterflies and Bees. They are my favorites. Beauty and pain. And the voice in the mirror told me i was not the most beautiful. But the most in pain. Fairy tales can not bring back the delusions in which this is created. So I'll leave for now and return when the snow completely melts and the butterflies are hanging over my head.

2001-01-16T00:26:00.000-06:00

Midnight. Three minutes after. I wrote this today.
I heard your voice and I'm suprised at my reaction. You talked and I talked and we fought. We always fight. The connection was cut off and that was the end. And my reaction required no tears. It didn't require a need to be held. My reaction to your communication required only a sigh of relief. So now, my love of the past, I can finally say, "goodbye".

2001-01-13T16:20:00.000-06:00

4.17pm. Came home today from Chicago. Saw Cursive last night. Had some fun. But then I came home. Only a train back to the burbs. My father picked me up. My brother was in a car accident. He's fine. Walked in the door. Check answering machine. "Chrisine this is Carlos" click. Over and over again, I listened to the voice that once made me smile. And I didn't feel the bitterness I thought I would feel when I imagined hearing his voice once again. I didn't smile though. I stood there. Not feeling anything at all. My parents were out the door before I could realize that I was living. My brother's car is ruined and they went to take him another one. I had no ride to work. I had no ride to work because my little brother got into a car accident and my ex boyfriend calls with nothing but his name and I'm here wondering if this is my life. How does one go from loving to hating? And is love and hate the same? And what relief is a broken car? And what the hell kind of start of a year is this? One friend in the hospital a brother just barely made it out, an ex trying to make his way back into my life, and a job that I hate. I can just tell you now... On January 13, 4.22am. This is going to be a fucked up year.

2001-01-12T10:01:00.000-06:00

10am. Fighting off the mood inevitable from waking up and expecting a certain way of things to go. So I sit at this fucking computer trying to figure out my day. And everyone can just fuck off today, because you know what? I'm in a bad mood. Don't like it? Piss off.

2001-01-11T10:30:00.000-06:00

10.15am.I'm trying to look ahead in some sort of society way fashion. And, truthfully it just makes me sick. A friend the other day told me I was stagnant. Stagnant. Why? Because I don't have a clue what I'm going to do tomorrow? Because for the time being my days are filled with work, this damn computer and hanging out with my friends? So that's stagnant? Then so fucking be it. I'm happy being stagnant. I have a plan and I don't think I need to tell anyone my plan, I think i'm pretty happy just being nothing right now. I'm 23yrs. and I haven't even lived half my life yet. I don't need to have accomplished anything that I don't want to. So, then label me stagnant. That's all. for now. later. I have to go be stagnant.

2001-01-09T10:37:00.000-06:00

Well it's 10.29am. And I have to work soon. Then I'm off to visit my friend. I wanted to wake up around about an hour ago. But as usual and I'm sure everyone knows how this is, the snooze button was my friend. I can't say I'm too happy about my job. But who would be happy about jockeying a register and telling people what movie is good and what movie isn't. Especially when you don't watch too many movies. I don't get paid until Friday and I'm completely broke with three cigarettes left. My friend, Justine, just got out of the hospital. And my ex is well, being an ex. So yeah, I have alot to complain about, but today, I just don't feel like it. Today i'm wondering how to get more cigarettes. Someone told me I have an unoriginal habit. But it's the cheapest as far as I can see. Unless someone else has a suggestion of an addiction that's cheaper, I'm ready to hear it. Everyone needs an addiction. It's like having a fake control over something, you really don't have control over. An addiction gives you a place in this world. For some it's some hardcore drugs and really, I just don't have the time for those. For others it's a person. I guess that's cheaper than three bucks a day. But I don't have a car or liscense. And I really don't feel like stalking by walking. So that's out. So yeah, I think my addiction suits me pretty well. And don't start giving me cancer lectures. I'm well aware of what consequences my addcition holds. Cigarettes are like an art to me. Best suited with coffee. There's a way to smoke and feel good about it. To feel it fall into your lungs and held for a moment then blown out, the side of my mouth, and watch it filter into the already polluted air. And the best time to smoke is after you've cried. But only a certain cry. That cry when you cry with your entire life. Like you did when you were smaller. Where you shake and scream. Yeah. That's the best time for a cigarette. And well, all this talk, I think I'll have one now. Down to three. And i'm off for work. Christine